Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 22, 1996 - October 28, 1996 | Issue 30•11

U.S. Intelligence Confirms: The Hillbillies Have the Bomb

For the first time since the end of the Cold War, the specter of nuclear armageddon looms over the world, as the Pentagon announced yesterday that a group of hillbillies in central Tennessee has constructed a fully operational 50-megaton nuclear device. With this potential for destruction in the hands of people who have throughout history acted out violently for no...

Secondhand Smoke Linked To Secondhand Coolness

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News

WINSTON, NC—The Tobacco Institute proved conclusively that an average-looking nobody becomes a really cool guy, simply by sitting near a smoker. more»
Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News

PALO ALTO, CA—Scientists insist the collider is important to study of the universe, as no one knows for certain what happens when monkeys collide. more»
Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News

ATLANTA—The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter... more»
Retirees Rise Up Against Gang Violence

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News

FAIRFIELD, CA—A group of seniors took a brisk walk to tell a gang to stop terrorizing their neighborhood, and were promptly killed. more»
Foppish Dandy Disregards Local Constabulary

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News

Despite repeated appeals to his better judgment and several stern appraisals of disapproval, Mr. M____, of Nortfordshire Suffolk-Wain, a foppish... more»
Fifth Tool Discovered

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Brief

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Monday's discovery of a fifth tool: the wrench. more»
Fourth Tool Discovered

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Brief

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at... more»
Theodore Roosevelt Was A Gay Man

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Newly uncovered documents at the National Archives reveal that Theodore Roosevelt was not only a burly outdoorsman, but also a gay... more»
Man Avoids Messing With Texas

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Brief

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With... more»
Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Brief

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant... more»
Pop Stars To Consolidate

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives... more»
Angry Lumberjack Demands Hearty Breakfast

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Photos
Gun Used To Kill Man In City

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Photos
New Railway Line To Be Built Straight Up Your Ass

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Photos
Dysfunctional Family Brought Together By Liquor

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | News In Photos
I Love Being a Hostage

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | Commentary

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call... more»
Look at Me, I'm Doin' Tricks!

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | Commentary

Of love I have little, but of tricks I have many. My life is without the toppings with which most people frost their existence. Why? Because I, my... more»
Drop Dead, Every Last One of You!

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | Columnists

I've been a newspaperman all my life. Printer's ink flows through my veins! As my nurse reads me this commemorative "best of" issue of the great... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: I Am Threatened By Flavor Crystals vs. Flavor Crystals Rock My World!

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | Point-Counterpoint

Go ahead, call me old-fashioned! I don't care if you brazen teenage hoodlums mock me! Maybe my views are not "in," "happening" or "out of this... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 22, 1996

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | Horoscopes

I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands! more»
Outer Space Discoveries

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | Infographic

In the past ten years, the scientific world has enjoyed a tremendous surge in astonomical discovery. What have they learned? more»
The Magic Number

issue 3011 | 10.22.96 | What Do You Think?

What is your favorite number? more»