Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 29, 1996 - November 4, 1996 | Issue 30•12

New Magic Word Discovered

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Spells and Incantations announced Monday the discovery of a new magical word. "Fringle-Stumpf," when spoken clearly by a person in the workplace, will cause that person's employer to become violently ill. "The word has been classified as a fourth-level hex," said Andrew Gottlieb, Assistant Warlock of the D.S.I., speaking for U.S....

After a Long, Hard Campaign, The Three Candidates Head Into The Home Stretch

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News

Bill Clinton is leading most polls by about 15 percent, but that hasn't stopped Bob Dole and El DeBarge. With just days remaining in the 1996 race,... more»
ValuJet Cleared To Resume Flights To Ocean Floor

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News

MIAMI—ValuJet's inaugural return flight is scheduled to leave Miami early Friday and arrive at a deep undersea canyon just hours later. more»
Comic-Book Store Employee Slated To Talk To Girl

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News

KITCHENER, ONT—The local comics-collecting scene has been abuzz ever since comic-book hobbyist Blaine Thurdlow's announcement Monday that he will... more»
Civil War Enthusiasts Burn Atlanta To Ground

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News

ATLANTA—The city of Atlanta was destroyed and 230,000 were killed Sunday when a group of overzealous Civil War buffs marched through the Georgian... more»
Voting Age Lowered to Six

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News

WASHINGTON—Just hours after Friday's passage of a 28th Amendment granting full voting rights to all U.S. citizens six years of age and older,... more»
White House Blocks Seahawks Punt

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—For the third time this year, the White House blocked a key fourth-down punt by Seattle Seahawks kicker Rick Tuten Sunday. "The Seahawks... more»
Araa Kayboard Bustad

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Brief

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad... more»
Desperate Dole Promises Best Prom Ever

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Brief

MONTGOMERY, AL—On a final swing through the South, presidential candidate Bob Dole promised that if elected, this spring's prom will be the best... more»
Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton was reelected president next Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Bob Dole by several million votes. Among the... more»
Idea To See Mario Van Peebles Movie Occurs To No One

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD—Tallies from the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter indicate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie occurred to no one... more»
Black Community United By Love of Homeboys In Outer Space Episode

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Photos
'Ultra Hammer' To Revolutionize Modern Pounding

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Photos
Russian Beef Shortage Traced To Boris Yeltsin

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Photos
Madonna Gives Birth To Million-Dollar Marketing Scheme

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | News In Photos
I Think I Gained A Pound Today

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | Commentary

I think I gained a pound today. Oh my God, I'm sure I did. My midriff is distended by at least an inch and my underarms feel all globby. I am so... more»
I Can Love You Like That

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | Commentary

They read you Cinderella, you hoped it would come true, and one day a Prince Charming would come rescue you. You like romantic movies, and you... more»
I Am Haunted By Spooks

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | Columnists

Aggggggh! Help! A spook! A spook! Nurse! Nurse! Help, a spook is loose in my chamber! Aieeee! more»
Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1996

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | Horoscopes

You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends. more»
Video Drones

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | Infographic

The home video camera is now a much middle-class household staple as the VCR and the dishwasher. But just what are Americans doing with their cameras? more»
Is Ellen Gay?

issue 3012 | 10.29.96 | What Do You Think?

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this... more»