Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 5, 1996 - November 11, 1996 | Issue 30•13

Chess Supercomputer Beaten Up By More Popular Computer

KATONAH, NY—IBM's Deep Blue, the chess supercomputer that recently contended with world chess champion Gary Kasparov, was beaten up Monday by a Macintosh Performa 6400CD, one of the most popular home computers on the market. The attack occured at approximately 3 p.m., shortly after a 60 Minutes piece on Deep Blue finished taping at IBM headquarters. The...

Low Voter Turnout Blamed On Election-Day Zombie Attacks

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Political observers expressed disappointment over Tuesday's low voter turnout, citing a rash of election-day attacks by... more»
General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win Airbags

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News

DETROIT—With its market share down 11 percent, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest. more»
Israel Intercepts Massive Palestinian Rock Shipment

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News

NABLUS, GAZA STRIP (AP)—Israeli troops patrolling the border of the Gaza Strip breathed a sigh of relief Monday as state-of-the-art Israeli... more»
Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News

BALTIMORE—After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, absent-minded Johns Hopkins University professor Humbert E. Huggins reports that... more»
Sappho Delights Crowds With Poetry, Lute

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News

From the mighty city-states dotting the Greek landscape to the burgeoning ports of Phoenicia, critics throughout the Mediterranean are singing the... more»
Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Brief

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday.... more»
Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Brief

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School... more»
Jesus Christ Believed In

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Brief

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old... more»
Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Brief

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new... more»
Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election.... more»
Tony Randall Secedes From Union; Declares Himself Independent Nation Of Randalia

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Photos
Victor Hugo's Les Lunchables To Hit Broadway

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Photos
Drug Use By Jerry Garcia Down 85 Percent

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Photos
Another Pufferfish Dies Bitter And Friendless

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | News In Photos
When Are They Going To Finish The Arthur Trilogy?

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | Commentary

Where were you in July 17, 1981? more»
I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | Commentary

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay,... more»
The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | Commentary

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take... more»
Have You Seen My Indentured Servant?

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | Columnists

Have you seen my indentured servant? He answers to the name of Paddy and has been missing from the grounds since wash day. He's about 12 hands tall,... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 5, 1996

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | Horoscopes

Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week. more»
Teenage Pregnancy

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | Infographic

Despite massive sexual education efforts, more teenage girls are getting pregnant than ever before. Exactly how are all these teens getting pregnant? more»
Clinton: Part 2

issue 3013 | 11.05.96 | What Do You Think?

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts? more»