Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 12, 1996 - November 18, 1996 | Issue 30•14

Friendless Woman Bakes, Gives Away Cookies

HANWICH, PA—Unremarkable Hanwich resident Jean Blomun, a middle-aged single woman without friends, baked nearly three dozen cookies Sunday night, giving them away the next day to co-workers at the office where she has worked unnoticed for years. "I hope everybody at the office liked the cookies," Blomun said. "They're Lemon Lickety-Splits. I made them from...

Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News

EL PASO, TX—In an effort to beef up security measures along the U.S.-Mexican border, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service announced... more»
Clinton Invents New Steam-Powered Contraption To Fix Economy

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton, in a bold move toward economic restructuring, announced the financial agenda for his second term Monday: economic... more»
New Fox Sitcom Outrageous

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News

LOS ANGELES—According to television-industry insiders, the new Fox sitcom scheduled to debut Nov. 17 is outrageous. more»
Black Box Reveals TWA Flight 800 Passengers Missed End of Dragonheart

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In what may be the most difficult news yet for families of TWA Flight 800 victims, federal investigators revealed Monday that,... more»
Blues Musician To U.N.: 'Yemen Done Me Wrong'

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News

UNITED NATIONS—Legendary Delta bluesman Willie "Skipbone" Johnson is calling for U.N. sanctions against the Middle Eastern nation of Yemen... more»
Last Week's Trek Pretty Awesome

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Last week's Trek—a Next Generation rerun in which the crew of the Enterprise is transported beyond all known dimensions... more»
Crunch 'N' Munch Increases Crunchiness, Munchability

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News In Brief

MUNICH—Popular snack-food item Crunch 'n' Munch, long praised for both its crunchiness and its munchability, became even crunchier and more... more»
Jamie Crying

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to local authorities, Jamie, 17, is crying, reportedly over a post-coital rejection by rock star David Lee Roth. "Although... more»
Every New Yorker Found Murdered

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Every resident of New York City was found murdered Monday, pronounced dead by coroners flown in from neighboring cities. "The crime rate... more»
Area Doctor: 'Mylanta'

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Area gastroenterologist John Kleemer said "Mylanta" this week, according to patient Stanley Thurlong, 49, a longtime heartburn and painful... more»
I've Got A Lot Of Bad Ideas

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | Commentary

Ideas! The sign of a vigorous mind. Ideas! The noblest product of man. Ideas! I love them! I am a man of ideas! I've got tens of ideas! And they're... more»
Buggy For Let!

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | Columnists

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly... more»
They Don't Make 'Em Like They Used To

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | Columnists

Hola amigos! What's going down? I know it's been a while since I last gave you the gospel according to Anchower, but I had problems like you wouldn't... more»
Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | Advice

Connie Vance's weekly syndicated advice column, Ask That Tramp I Saw You With Last Night, appears in over 250 papers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of November 12, 1996

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | Horoscopes

Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer. more»
Homepage Hysteria

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | Infographic

With the surging popularity of the Internet, millions of Americans are creating individual websites that express their unique personalitites. What... more»
Captivated By Carolyn

issue 3014 | 11.12.96 | What Do You Think?

Carolyn Bessette, John F. Kennedy Jr.'s new bride, has captivated all of America with her beauty and style. What do you think of the woman who's... more»