Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 19, 1996 - November 25, 1996 | Issue 30•15

Lucky Charms Phases Out Oat Pieces

MINNEAPOLIS—General Mills, maker of the popular breakfast cereal Lucky Charms, announced Tuesday that the morning favorite will soon become much more lucky with the addition of 16 new colorful marshmallow shapes, displacing the unpopular oat pieces that have hampered the cereal's appeal for decades. "We've been moving toward total marshmallow saturation for quite some...

George Bush To Pull Out Of Den

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News

KENNEBUNKPORT, ME—Before a packed press conference, former President George Bush announced Monday that he will soon begin a full withdrawal from... more»
Phish Collapses Onstage

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News

MORRISON, CO—The music world was shaken by tragedy Sunday night when members of the popular rock band Phish collapsed on stage after being overcome... more»
Widening Gap Between Rich And Super-Rich Threatening American Dream

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News

GREENWICH, CT—Statistics say that America is more prosperous than ever, but you'd never know it from looking at the horse stables tucked behind the... more»
Congress Votes Itself More Scotch

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News

WASHINGTON—In the largest self-allocation of liquor in its history, the U.S. Congress unanimously voted itself more scotch Monday. more»
X-Files Stars Appear At Friendship Skills Seminar

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News

CLEVELAND—X-Files fans from all over the Cleveland area flocked to the downtown Concourse Hotel this weekend to attend "Relating To Others... more»
Reedsburg Chamber Of Commerce:'Come Grow With Us'

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Brief

REEDSBURG, OH—According to the Reedsburg Chamber of Commerce, the small Central Ohio town is a great place to relocate a family or business.... more»
Single-Parent Families Get 'A' Rating ,From Drug Kingpin

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Brief

ST. LOUIS—Area drug lord Darryl "Cootie-Fish" Jackson gave an "A" rating to single-parent families Monday. "A child raised by one parent is more... more»
Claire Danes Fantasized About

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Brief

VAN NUYS, CA—Actress Claire Danes, 17, was fantasized about Monday evening by Van Nuys plumber Doug Blodes, 38. "I have been impressed with Danes'... more»
Local Youth To Insert Coin

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Brief

EVANSTON, IL—According to sources, Evanston resident Danny Vebber, 16, will insert a coin later this afternoon. Though not confirmed, it is... more»
Burundi Asks Neighbor To Keep It Down

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Brief

BUJUMBURA, BURUNDI—Fed up with the constant noise, Burundi asked neighboring nation Zaire to "please keep it down" Tuesday. "We cannot get anything... more»
214 Executed In Wacky Bolivian Prison Mix-Up

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Photos

more»
Chili Dog, Cheddar Fries Caught In Area Beard

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Photos
The Cyberspace Revolution: Why Are The Media Ignoring It?

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Photos
New Indie Film Sweeps Cannes, Sundance

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | News In Photos
I Desperately Need Bone Marrow

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | Commentary

Won't you please help me? more»
Ro-Bots Are Trying To Kill Me

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | Columnists

I'm often asked about the role of technology in our society, and whether it is ultimately beneficial or destructive. My reply: Technology is a... more»
Hubby Rick and I Just Got Vanity Plates!

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | Columnists

Well, Jean's got some bad news for you: Lady is no more! Longtime readers of my column need not ask who Lady is, but for the benefit of you... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1996

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | Horoscopes

Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty. more»
Preparing for Winter

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | Infographic

As the mercury drops, what are Americans doing to prepare for the coming cold? more»
Space Jammed

issue 3015 | 11.19.96 | What Do You Think?

The new film Space Jam—which teams up Michael Jordan with numerous Warner Brothers cartoon characters, and prominently features corporate... more»