Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 3, 1996 - December 9, 1996 | Issue 30•17

Area Male Extroverted

PHILADELPHIA—At first glance, Randy Grebcyk appears to be like any other male. An associate underwriter for Mid-Atlantic Colonial Insurance, Grebcyk, 29, works a 40-hour week and lives alone in a one-bedroom apartment. What sets Grebcyk apart from other males, however, is an unusual lack of shyness and a strong desire for self-expression—qualities that surprise those who meet him, and...

TELEVISION ENDS

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News

NEW YORK—It was the end of an era in American entertainment Monday, as the 55-year history of television came to a close. more»
Bob Dole Released Back Into Wild

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News

RUSSELL, KS—After completing a distinguished career in politics spanning nearly 50 years, former Republican presidential nominee Bob Dole was... more»
Local Yak Makes Plea For Greater Understanding Between the Sexes

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News

ULAAN BAATAR, MONGOLIA—Fed up with the way men and women "sabotage perfectly good relationships by failing to communicate," a local yak made a... more»
Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News

CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming... more»
New Old People Magazine Gives Old People Something To Read While Waiting To Die

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News

The tedious pre-death "waiting period" endured by still-alive senior citizens became slightly less boring Tuesday, with the introduction of Old... more»
Barbra Streisand To Take Rare Public Dump

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Barbra Streisand fans worldwide are clamoring for tickets to the singer's first public defecation since her sold-out Carnegie Hall dump... more»
All U.S. Males Renamed Dudley

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—An emergency session of Congress rushed into passage Monday legislation changing the first names of all American males to Dudley.... more»
Goodyear Unveils New, Circular Tires

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Brief

AKRON, OH—The Goodyear rubber company unveiled a brand new, perfectly round tire Monday, one that it says will replace all its earlier models of... more»
Bangladesh Runs Out Of People

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Brief

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—A devastating typhoon claimed the lives of the final 290,000 people in Bangladesh Tuesday, reducing the Southeast Asian nation's... more»
Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, NC—n a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Wilmington resident Phil Zipper was smacked into this week by a forceful blow... more»
Local Oddball Expends Energy Doing Things

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Photos
New Miami-Based Tuna Is Cuban-Safe

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Photos
Sheryl Crow's Freshness Date Expires

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Photos
Zaire To Take Some Time Off, Compose Itself

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | News In Photos
It's Not A Crack House, It's A Crack Home

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | Commentary

I'll bet a day doesn't go by that I don't hear something negative about crack cocaine, and the people who love it. Well, it just so happens that,... more»
I Fear Grass

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | Commentary

Oh, infernal grass, how your greenness haunts me! You camouflage the most diseased of vermin—insects, rodents and children scamper freely in your... more»
Buried Alive--Again!

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | Columnists

Leave it to my loathsome, wastrel offspring, J. Phineas, to screw up once more! Yesterday morning, I woke up and everything was pitch black. Not an... more»
The Packers Rule! vs. For 500 Years My People Have Been Tortured And Persecuted, Slaves In Our Own Land

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | Point-Counterpoint

Let me tell you this, my friend: The Green Bay Packers rule! Brett Favre, Reggie White and the boys are going all the way this year. The Green and... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1996

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | Horoscopes

The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters. more»
Best-Selling Video Games

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | Infographic

What were the most popular games for Nintendo 64, Sega Saturn and Sony Play Station in 1996? more»
Medical Marijuana

issue 3017 | 12.03.96 | What Do You Think?

California recently approved a referendum permitting, in certain cases, the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. What do you think of... more»