Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 10, 1996 - December 16, 1996 | Issue 30•18

National Battle of the Bands Devastates Pizza Delivery Industry

Pizza restaurants across the nation are reeling from severe delivery driver shortages following the start of this weekend's nationwide "Battle of the Bands" competition. The MTV-sponsored competition, which awards $250,000 and a recording contract with Geffen Records to the winning band, takes place over the next five weeks, effectively crippling the pizza delivery...

NASA, NASCAR Merge

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In an effort to generate excitement and public support for America's struggling space program, NASA announced Monday that it... more»
Inner Cities To Receive Soothing Heroin

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a humanitarian relief effort expected to greatly ease the pain of America's blighted inner cities, the federal government will... more»
Unprecedented Ass Expansion Threatens Area Pantsuit

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News

NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Preservationists throughout the nation are expressing alarm at what they call an "unprecedented" rate of ass expansion within... more»
Christopher Reeve Named Man of the Year By Inspirational Cripple Magazine

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News

NEW YORK—Beloved actor Christopher Reeve, whose tragic paralysis vaulted him to new heights of public adoration—including a spot atop the... more»
Miss Teen USA Seizes Crown, Declares Self Miss Teen USA For Life

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Moments after Melissa Kenner's crowning as the brand-new Miss Teen USA Sunday, the 17-year-old Joplin, MO, high-school senior... more»
Mit Think-Tank Develops 20 Great Gift Ideas

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Twelve math and science professors at a Massachusetts Institute of Technology think-tank announced their latest brainstorming success... more»
Area Stand-Up Comedian Questions The Deal With Drive-Thru Windows

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Brief

ROYAL OAK, MI—In a stand-up routine delivered Saturday at the Laff Factory, stand-up comedian Tony Campanelli questioned the deal with drive-thru... more»
Shareware Fee Paid

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—The international computing community was stunned Monday following the announcement that San Francisco-area computer user Jeffrey... more»
Dutch Anti-Defamation League Closes

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Poul VanDerVoort, president of the Dutch Anti-Defamation League of America, announced Monday that his civil rights organization is closing... more»
Newly Discovered Fossils Reveal Prehistoric Humans Were Bony

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Photos
Billy Joel Has Billy Joel's Disease

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Photos
Floppy-Armed Robot Repeatedly Warns: 'Danger'

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Photos
New Candy To Hum And Glow In Mouths

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | News In Photos
People Don't Like To Look At Me In Traffic

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | Commentary

In this world, some people are takers and some people are givers. Me, I'm a giver. Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I like to contribute... more»
Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | Commentary

Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so... more»
Here Is Some Pornography For You

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | Columnists

I have been a newspaper-man all my life, and a principled one at that. Throughout my long career I have steadfastly refused to cater to the lowest... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 10, 1996

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | Horoscopes

Confusion is in store for Aries this week when you wake from a deep sleep to find ex-heavyweight champ Sonny Liston tenderly massaging your feet. more»
The Filtered Water Phenomenon

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | Infographic

Americans are buying tap-water filtering devices in record numbers this year. Why? more»
Rising Cable Rates

issue 3018 | 12.10.96 | What Do You Think?

The nation's cable TV operators announced recently that after an 8 percent hike in 1996, rates will go up another 10 percent in January 1997. What do... more»