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December 17, 1996 - December 23, 1996 | Issue 30•19

Congressmen Baffled By M.C. Escher Poster

WASHINGTON, DC—Members of the 104th U.S. Congress were baffled Monday, their imaginations taxed beyond all reasonable limits by a mind-bending M.C. Escher poster. Congressmen broke from their regular work for several hours to ponder "Day and Night," a 1938 work by Escher, the popular Dutch artist (1898-1972) whose oft-seen woodcuts depict varied spacio-geometric...

The Onion's 1996 Man Of The Year

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News

Ever since Onion publisher T. Herman Zweibel was first awarded the honor in 1921, The Onion's Man Of The Year has ranked among the most... more»
Baseball Imposes Tough New 'Three-Strikes-You're-Out' Rule

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News

NEW YORK—Saying it is time to "get tough on hitters," Acting Commissioner of Baseball Bud Selig announced Monday the adoption of a hard-line... more»
Experts Predict On-Line World Of 21st Century To Feature More Breasts

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News

PALO ALTO, CA—Government officials, computer scientists and leading information-technology figures from around the globe met at the annual... more»
Area Bastards Pick Wrong Guy To Mess With This Time

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Brief

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to Tallahassee resident Bud Courson, local bastards Dewey Bostock and Dewayne Buckner picked the wrong guy to mess... more»
Mental Hospital Fire Leaves Hundreds Of Demons Homeless

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Brief

QUEENS, NY—Hundreds of demons were left hovering bodiless over New York's Creedmore Mental Hospital Sunday, as a fire consumed the facility,... more»
Vatican Condemns Wack MCs

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—In conjunction with the release of his latest album, MixMaster FunkBlaster Pope-a-Fied To The T.O.P., His Holiness Pope John... more»
Clinton Appoints Very Special Cabinet Member

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In the first-ever appointment of its kind, President Clinton named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Bethesda, MD, boy who has Down... more»
Quick, Painless Death Tops Holiday Wish List Of Local Veal Calf

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Brief

BUTLER, OH—A four-month-old veal calf revealed Monday that topping its Christmas list this year is a quick, painless death. "I would like the... more»
Middle East Crisis Traced To Trouble-Making Genie

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Photos
Monster Truck Escapes

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Photos
Local Student Also A Poet

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Photos
Area Ladle Named Secretary of Soup

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | News In Photos
I Had AIDS Before It Was Cool

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | Commentary

Look, I had AIDS before it was the happeningest, hippest virus on the planet. This means before the newsmagazine covers; before the red-ribbon... more»
Ho! Ho! Ho! I Am God

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | Commentary

Ho! Ho! Ho! Seasons greetings, boys and girls. It's almost time for Christmas. I'll bet you can't wait, eh? I thought so! Ho! Ho! Ho! You just love... more»
There Shall Be No Christmas This Year!

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | Columnists

The other day, my manservant Standish and my nurse were wheeling in the multitudes of penny postcards and other handwritten wishes of good tidings... more»
I Gotta Write A Holiday Column

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's goin' on? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've had some problems. First and foremost, I had to get a... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 17, 1996

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | Horoscopes

In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant. more»
Attention Deficit Disorder

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | Infographic

More and more of America's children are diagnosed with ADD every year. Why? more»
Confederate Flag Controversy

issue 3019 | 12.17.96 | What Do You Think?

South Carolina came under fire recently for flying the Confederate flag over its state capitol, and Georgia has been under pressure for several years... more»