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January 15, 1997 - January 21, 1997 | Issue 31•01

Playboy Centerfold Has Big Dreams, Tits

Big dreams are a way of life for Playboy centerfold Cyndi Tyler. The 22-year-old Miss January comes from a close-knit North Dakota family of big dreamers. "Since as long as I can remember," Tyler says, "I've been taught that you should dream big, and I do. I have really big dreams." Tyler also has really big tits. Big tits also run in the Tyler family. Her...

Fifth-Period Gym Class Under Investigation For Failure To Hustle

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News

PHOENIX—According to officials, students in Coach Peeler's gym class could be trying a lot harder. more»
ABC Cancels Yeltsin!

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—ABC announced Monday that it is cancelling Yeltsin!, the struggling two-year-old sitcom starring Russian president Boris Yeltsin. more»
RC Cola Celebrates 10th Purchase

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News

ALBANY, NY—Royal Crown is jubilant after shattering the hard-to-reach double-digit sales barrier. more»
Pain To Reach New Levels

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Though already extremely painful, the physical sensation of pain will become markedly greater in the coming months, continuing to... more»
Stoners Bestow 1996 Medal Of Honor On Fritos

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News

AUSTIN, TX—In a formal ceremony cut short due to restlessness, the Fraternal Order of Stoners gathered Monday to award the 1996 Fraternal Order of... more»
Poor Kwanzaa Sales Disappoint Retailers

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Kwanzaa officials received sobering news Monday, as the Department of Commerce announced that Kwanzaa holiday sales for the U.S.... more»
Area Pie Hole Shut

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News In Brief

TEMPE, AZ—A local pie hole was definitively shut Saturday. After droning on incessantly about matters witnesses say were trivial and "more than... more»
Oakland Teacher Mistakenly Teaches 'Economics'

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News In Brief

OAKLAND, CA—In an effort to abide by the Oakland Public Schools' new "ebonics" instruction regulations, one area teacher mistakenly began teaching... more»
Budget Talks Dreadlocked

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton cited "a profound lack of irie vibrations" as the main reason budget talks became dreadlocked this week. Congress... more»
Unambitious Terrorists Overturn Trash Can

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News In Brief

JERUSALEM—The Bedouin Free Army, described by State Department officials as an unambitious offshoot of the PLO, is claiming responsibility for... more»
Islamic Fundamentalists Condemn Casual Day

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | News In Photos
Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | Commentary

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who... more»
Predictions For 1913

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | Columnists

Another infant New-Year, bless its heart, is fast a-suckling upon the teat of its wet nurse. And I predict great things for this Year Of Our Lord... more»
1996 Was The Year Of The Celebrity!

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | Columnists

What a crazy year it was! So many big names made news in 1996, it will certainly go down as The Year Of The Celebrity. With that in mind, let's look... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 15, 1997

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | Horoscopes

Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch. more»
Caller ID Fever

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | Infographic

Caller ID has quickly become one of the most popular phone services. Why are so many Americans getting it? more»
Murder Down In The Big Apple

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | What Do You Think?

Murder rates dropped in New York City for the third straight year in 1996, with total homicides in the city under 1,000 for the first time since the... more»
Interview Tips

issue 3101 | 01.15.97 | Tips

Performing well in interviews is one of the most important aspects of a successful job search. Here are some helpful hints for making a solid first... more»