Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 22, 1997 - January 28, 1997 | Issue 31•02

Bankrupt Motivational Speaker Adds Word 'Failure' To His Vocabulary

STILLWATER, OK—Motivational speaker Ron Kalbee was long known for saying, "The word failure is not in my vocabulary." Author of the best-selling You Can Do It!, his eight-step plan to personal fulfillment has helped millions turn dreams into reality. Now, according to Kalbee, after six failed real-e...

Chinese Government Cracks Down On Refills

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News

BEIJING—According to China officials, refills are the poisonous creation of the Western capitalist running dog. more»
Homeless Teen Juggles Panhandling, Piercing

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News

ANN ARBOR, MI—It's past midnight on a chilly Wednesday, and the shabby, velvet-lined guitar case in front of 16-year-old Alyssa Vincent is empty,... more»
World Death Rate Holding Steady At 100 Percent

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND—World Health Organization officials expressed disappointment Monday at the group's finding that, despite the enormous efforts... more»
Clinton Adopts New 'No Fear' Foreign Policy

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In what observers are calling a "radically intense" move, President Clinton unveiled a new "No Fear" foreign policy approach Monday,... more»
Supreme Court Rules Supreme Court Rules

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a landmark decision Monday, the United States Supreme Court ruled 8-1 that it rules. more»
Peasant Wedding Gets Out Of Hand

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News

OOTGROOT, FLANDERS—A peasant wedding in the Flemish town of Ootgroot degenerated into a drunken melee Friday, leaving several dead and the town's... more»
Satan To Revise Bar Code System

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Responding to retailers' calls to "streamline the Mark of the Beast," Satan announced plans Monday to make significant changes in the UPC... more»
Local Senior Impressed With Restaurant Cheesecake

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Brief

HOBOKEN, NJ—According to reports, area senior Herbert Bloch, 69, was "impressed" with the slice of strawberry cheesecake served to him at the... more»
Hubble Space Telescope Finds Men From Venus, Women From Mars

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Brief

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicists and self-help authors alike expressed shock Friday when new data from the Hubble Space Telescope indicated that,... more»
Dole Makes Pretend White House Out Of Card Table, Sheet

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Brief

RUSSELL, KS—Making his lifelong dream of becoming president a make-believe reality, 1996 Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole created a... more»
Perot May Lead First Mars Expedition 'Only If The People Of Mars Ask Me To,' He Says

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Photos
Christianity Celebrates One Billionth Unanswered Prayer

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Photos
Brooke Shields Put To Sleep

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Photos
Middle Manager Follows Proper Procedure

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | News In Photos
I Didn't Become A Millionaire By Overtipping

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | Commentary

You see these hands? These hands have shaken the ruby and emerald-bejeweled hands of the Grand Sheik Emir of Omar Al Habib El Sababa! Now, you think... more»
Evita Is A Dance Of A Good Time

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | Commentary

Hello and welcome back to my newspaper column entitled "The Silver Screen." As you may recall, in my newspaper column I often will tell you about... more»
I Will Be Drawing The Comical Strips This Week

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | Columnists

This Sunday past my nurse was reading me the comical cartoon amusement supplements. At first I was dead-set against the idea of such a supplement,... more»
I'll Treat You Right

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | Columnists

Let me explain something to you. I'm from the old school, you understand. I'll treat you right. There ain't nothing in this world I wouldn't do for... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 22, 1997

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | Horoscopes

You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act. more»
Top Websites

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | Infographic

There are hundreds of thousands of websites in cyberspace. Which ones are the most popular? more»
Right-to-Die Controversy

issue 3102 | 01.22.97 | What Do You Think?

Right-to-die has been a hot issue of late, with both pro- and anti-right-to-die forces holding large demonstrations across the U.S. What do you... more»