Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 29, 1997 - February 4, 1997 | Issue 31•03

Ugly Girl Killed

CASPER, WY—The people of America remained unmoved Monday as the sparse, barely attended funeral procession of Edith Pelphrey made its way to Pinelawn Cemetery in downtown Casper. Edith, a homely six-year-old with thick glasses and a decidedly non-winning smile, was laid to rest largely as she had lived—unnoticed by the general population. Discovered strangled with a length of nylon cord on Jan. 4, reported to...

Golden Calf To Unite Nation

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A vast sea of U.S. citizens streamed through the streets of Washington Monday holding aloft a golden calf, one which government... more»
Whaler Sandwich 'Not Sitting Too Good' With Area Man

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News

ERIE, PA—According to sources inside the seating booth section, a Whaler consumed during Monday's lunch-hour rush is "not sitting too good" inside... more»
FBI Launches Raid On Saturn Compound

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News

ABILENE, TX—After 47 tense days, the standoff between Federal Bureau of Investigation agents and members of the Saturn Family was finally broken... more»
Clinton Clinton

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—It was confirmed Monday that President Bill Clinton, who was Bill Clinton throughout the entire four years of his first term, is... more»
New Low Stooped To

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Brief

SEATTLE—Standards were lowered even further Sunday when a new, previously unimagined low was stooped to. "I am shocked and outraged," area resident... more»
Christ To Wed Longtime Backup Singer

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Brief

NASHVILLE—It was confirmed Tuesday that Jesus Christ, 1,996, is engaged to Felicia Tufton, 38, who has sung backup on all of Christ's albums since... more»
Teen Makes Clever Remark During Science Class

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Brief

COUNCIL BLUFFS, IA—A dry explanation of cellular reproduction was considerably lightened Monday when Arnold Hager, 15, made a witty and cutting... more»
Redford To Re-Digitize Ordinary People, Improve Space Battle

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Robert Redford took time off from his Sundance Film Festival duties this week to oversee the final Industrial Light and Magic... more»
World Map Rearranged To Accommodate Poor Geography Skills Of Americans—Nations Ordered Alphabetically

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Photos
George Kennedy's Honor Riding On Internal Breath Freshener

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Photos
New Cereal For Poor Stays Crunchy In Water

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Photos
Area Sorority Girl Concerned About War And Stuff

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | News In Photos
I Just Took A Bath, And Now I'm Kind Of Sleepy

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | Commentary

My wife Geraldine says that a good hot bath is the best thing for my bursitis, so I got out the Epsom salts and took a nice long dip. The thing is,... more»
Down With The Income Tax!

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | Columnists

Reading from his enormous ledger book, my accountant informed me today that my decision to purchase the Almagamated Vulcanized Testicle Company had... more»
Never Say Diet!

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | Columnists

Okay, 'fess up. How many of you are still keeping your New Year's resolutions? Let's see a show of hands! Be honest, now! more»
Ask A Demolitions Expert

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | Advice

Bruce MacInnis' syndicated advice column, Ask A Demolitions Expert, appears weekly in over 250 newspapers across the U.S. more»
Horoscope for the week of January 29, 1997

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | Horoscopes

An ancient prophecy will be fulfilled at long last when Queen guitarist Brian May shows up unannounced at your house and rocks you. more»
Charitable Donations

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | Infographic

Americans have contributed a steadily increasing amount of money to charity over the past 10 years. Why? more»
The 2000 Elections

issue 3103 | 01.29.97 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of President Clinton's second inauguration, talk has already begun to turn toward the Presidential Election of 2000. What do you... more»