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February 12, 1997 - February 18, 1997 | Issue 31•05

Important Man Angered By Inadequate Seating

NEW YORK—In what is being dubbed "a serious breach of importance-based table-placement protocol," a very important man was given inadequate lunchtime seating at Effendi's in downtown Manhattan Monday. The important man, James L. Norridge, a senior partner in the prestigious New York law firm of Habisch, Guidry, Norridge, Goldfarb, Dwyer & Bleen, has filed a...

New 'Small 'n' Flaccid' Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News

CHICAGO— Despite high expectations, Merit’s cigarette campaign, "Makin' You Feel All Small 'n' Flaccid," has met with complete failure. more»
Clinton Holds Summit With Magic Turtle

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Crime, health care and campaign finance reform were the top issues on the agenda for President Clinton's breakfast meeting with a... more»
Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust... Texas-Style!

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News

LUBBOCK, TX—The West Texas chapter of B'nai B'rith is holding a month-long series of events in remembrance of the Holocaust, commemorating the 20th... more»
Style Replaces Substance

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Brief

In a change years in the making, style officially replaced substance Monday, tipping artistic balance of power from deep, meaningful expression to... more»
Government Squandering Social Security Funds On Cake

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—An independent panel revealed Friday that Congress is squandering the nation's $80 billion Social Security reserves on cake.... more»
Paramount Home Video Pleased To Bring Man Feature Presentation

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Brief

SOMERVILLE, MA—Paramount Pictures CEO Jerry Rubin announced Monday that his company is pleased to present Beverly Hills Cop 2 to... more»
Felt Board Adds Clarity To Christ's Teachings

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Brief

WILMINGTON, NC—A felt board made the teachings of Jesus Christ clear and easy to understand for the sixth-graders attending Sunday school at Holy... more»
Bob Dole To Build 'Trench To 19th Century'

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Brief

RUSSELL, KS—In a bold refusal to face the challenges of life in the next millennium, former Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole announced... more»
Protesters Ignored

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Photos
Bill Cosby Feeling Better Now

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Photos
Thirtysomething Scientists Unveil Doomsday Clock Of Hair Loss

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Photos
Cancerous Tumor Befriends Small Boy

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | News In Photos
Gymnasts Are Hot!

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | Commentary

My spectator event of preference would be the sport (perhaps even "art") of gymnastics. There is nothing in this world I prefer to a quiet afternoon... more»
The Great Star Wars Nearly Made Me Deaf, Because It Was So Loud

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | Commentary

Blockbusters! They are the movies that do so good that the people who make them are happy they made them because plenty of families go to see them,... more»
I Don't Miss My Arms

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | Commentary

It's been almost two years since the auto accident, but you know what? I don't miss my arms at all! more»
Rating The Adult Diapers

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | Columnists

In my young days, I could shit like a draft horse. But now, I can only coax a thin, yellowish gruel from my feeble colon, often without warning.... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 12, 1997

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | Horoscopes

Your dream of one day seducing Ringo Starr and bearing his children is spoiled forever when you find out how easy it is to do. more»
Catalog Fever

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | Infographic

What are America's most popular mail-order catalogs? more»
Military Hazing

issue 3105 | 02.12.97 | What Do You Think?

The U.S. military has come under fire for hazing recently, most notably for a controversial videotape depicting Marines "pinning" new recruits,... more»