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February 19, 1997 - February 25, 1997 | Issue 31•06

Heroic Plastic Surgeon Gives Small-Breasted Starlet Chance At Normal Life

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In this world of war, crime and death, it often seems there are no more heroes. But here in the City of Angels, a real, live angel emerged Monday, when plastic surgeon Gilbert "Gil" Kosinski—in a desperate, white-knuckle 30-minute procedure—heroically restored firmness, girth and jigglability to the tragically undersized breasts of 23-year-old would-be starlet Debi...

New $5.1 Billion Surveillance Satellite To Provide 24-Hour Data On Lee Horsley

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what is considered the most ambitious mid-'80s TV star-monitoring program in its history, NASA on Monday unveiled the... more»
Local Man Would Like Fries With That

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News

ERIE, PA—Following a 30-second period of deliberation, Don Turnbee opted to accept McDonald's corporation's suggestion. more»
Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News

COEUR D'ALENE, ID—Repression was the order of the day as the National Rifle Association's North Idaho Chapter held its annual convention this... more»
Yes Lyrics To Be Added To New Testament

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News

VATICAN CITY—In the new YesScriptures, Christ's rejection of the Lord Of Lies is followed by a 16-minute keyboard solo by Rick Wakeman. more»
Sex Officials Add New Base Between Second And Third

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Adolescents across the nation were thrilled by the U.S. Sex Department's announcement Monday that a new base will soon be added.... more»
Out-Of-State License Plate Seen

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Brief

SEYMOUR, IN—In a rare instance of roadway variety, a license plate from a far-away state was spotted on Maple Lane Tuesday. The exact state from... more»
IRS Now Requiring Taxpayers To Tip

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Internal Revenue Service officials pushed legislation through Congress Monday requiring all taxpayers to add a gratuity of "no less... more»
Former Presidents Convene For Liver Spot Summit

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Brief

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA—Liver spots topped the agenda this weekend at a summit held by the four living former U.S. presidents. Meeting at Gerald Ford's... more»
Clinton Hitchhikes To St. Louis For Jazzfest

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Photos
Reddi Wip Canister Used As Directed

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Photos
Secretary Masks Deep Depression With Laughter During Office Banter

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Photos
DARE Graduate Celebrates First Toke

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | News In Photos
Hi, I Have Cancer

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Commentary

Hi there! What'cha up to? Just hanging out? Me, too. My name's Jerry. I have cancer. more»
Kitty!

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Commentary

Kitty! Come here, kitty! Pretty kitty! Don't run away, kitty. I love you, little kitty! Come on, let me hold you! Ha, ha, ha! I caught you, kitty.... more»
That Wisecracking Duck Is A Pest

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Columnists

Last week, I became highly displeased with my nurse's inability to read to me. She speaks as though her mouth is full of porridge, and it is agony... more»
The X-Files' Ann Gillian Is Back On The Market!

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Columnists

Item! X-Files star Ann Gillian is now X-Wife Ann Gillian. According to one of my better inside sources, the deadly agent with a... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 19, 1997

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Horoscopes

You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author... more»
Star Wars Fever

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Infographic

Twenty years after its original release, Star Wars is once again a box-office smash. Why is everyone flocking to see Star Wars? more»
Air Force Follies

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | What Do You Think?

In the past few weeks, U.S. Air Force pilots have been involved in a number of dangerous incidents involving irresponsible flying. Most notable were... more»
Stress Relief Tips

issue 3106 | 02.19.97 | Tips

Did you know that 9 out of 10 Americans experience stress at least once a day?* In this fast-paced, high-pressure society of ours, it’s easy to... more»