Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

February 26, 1997 - March 4, 1997 | Issue 31•07

Dying Child Gets Last Wish

MIDVALE, CA—The intensive care ward of Midvale Children's Hospital might not seem like the likeliest place for a happy story. But tragedy, if only for one brief moment, turned to celebration here this week when doctors brought a moment of joy into the life of Timmy Porter. Seven-year-old Timmy, who died Sunday after a long bout with terminal hemodontis, got his final...

Clinton Grants Hot 101.5 FM Most-Favored Station Status

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With station manager Kathy Adamle and several top DJs looking on, President Clinton signed into law Monday a measure granting radio... more»
Army Cadets Under Investigation For 'Killing'

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News

FORT BENNING, GA—The defense secretary has ordered a full investigation into all rumored cases of Army-related killing. more»
Scientists Discover Third Cindy Crawford Facial Expression

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News

CAMBRIDGE, MA—This is the first discovery in this field since physicist Richard Feynman isolated Lauren Hutton's "aloof pout" in 1974. more»
Guatemala Man Wins Guatemalan National Lottery

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News

GUATEMALA CITY—Alvaro Rodriguez, the first winner of the new Guatemalan "Scratch 'n' Win" national lottery, is now the proud owner of his own... more»
Miracle Sports Bottle Has Name Of Bank On Side

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News

SHIOCTON, WI—The banking and portable beverage communities were thrown into an uproar Sunday with the discovery of a plastic sports bottle... more»
Pile Of Crap Excites Publicist

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Thomas Hill, publicist for the Scarsdale & Loeb Group, expressed his excitement over a great big pile of crap Thursday. "I'm really... more»
Detective Endangers Own Life By Looking Forward To Upcoming Retirement

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Police detective Ed "Rusty" Hodges, who has served the Chicago Police Department with distinction for more than 45 years, placed his life... more»
Congress Orders Clerk To See If He Has Any In The Back

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Retail clerk Tony Bellarusso was ordered by the U.S. Congress Monday to see if he has any in the back. "See if you have any more in... more»
Dancing Costumed Midgets Celebrate Death Of Deng Xiaoping

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Brief

MUNCHKINLAND, OZ—Elated Munchkins celebrated the release of their Chinese protectorate province Wednesday following the death of Chinese leader... more»
Members Of U2 To Stare In Different Directions

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Brief

DUBLIN—In what many record- industry insiders are calling a return to the band's mid-'80s prime, members of U2 announced Monday plans to stare in... more»
Catholic Church Speaks Out Against Decadent, Sinfully Rich Dessert

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Photos
Can Of Surge Results In Fully-Loaded, In-Your-Face Diabetic Reaction

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Photos
Area CEO Doesn't Have Time For This Shit

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Photos
Slower-Burning Flag Introduced

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | News In Photos
My Teddy Bear Collection Is Fucking Great

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | Commentary

You should see how many fucking teddy bears I have. I just can't get enough! Shit, last time I counted it was up to 150. I've got most of them in the... more»
Stay Away From My Granddaughter Cornelia!

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | Columnists

My granddaughter, Cornelia Josephine Agrippina Zweibel, recently had her coming-out ball, during which she managed to turn quite a few heads. Ever... more»
Baby, Please Don't Walk Out That Door

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | Columnists

Aw, baby. Where you going? Please don't walk out that door. Don't walk out on Smoove B. He's the man who can make everything all right. He's the man... more»
Ask A Salmon

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | Advice

Ask A Salmon is a weekly syndicated advice column that appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide more»
Horoscope for the week of February 26, 1997

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | Horoscopes

An old euphemism will come in handy this week when your roommate ingests too much acid, causing him to sit in the living room and throw his shit into... more»
Fat-Free on the Decline

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | Infographic

After nealy a year of phenomenal slaes, fat-free food products are beginning to decline in popularity. Why aren't Americans buying fat-free items? more»
Should Car Phones Be Banned?

issue 3107 | 02.26.97 | What Do You Think?

A number of public-safety groups are lobbying Congress to pass legislation banning car phones, calling them dangerous and distracting to the driver.... more»