Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 5, 1997 - March 11, 1997 | Issue 31•08

Revolutionary New Backache-Imaging Technology Shows How Doan's Pills Work

DURHAM, NC—Modern science achieved a major breakthrough Tuesday, when researchers at Duke University's prestigious Non-Prescription Research Laboratory used a high-tech, $55 million backache-imaging system to definitively prove that Doan's pills really work. According to scientists at the laboratory, the "BakMap880" holographic back-pain imaging system can literally...

Leno Begs Simpson To Kill Again

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News

BURBANK, CA—In an impassioned, nationally televised plea Monday, a teary-eyed Jay Leno begged O.J. Simpson to commit more murders. more»
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Monday by Stanford's Institute For Psychotherapeutic Study, depression, America's leading mental... more»
Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News

HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the... more»
'Bridge To 21st Century' Crap Forgotten

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Offering a bold new vision for post-1996 presidential election America, President Clinton unveiled a new plan Monday to forget about... more»
Kind, Bearded Christian Has Guitar, Story To Tell

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News

PORTLAND, OR—The parking lot of Arborview ShoppingPlex is, in most respects, no different from that of any other suburban shopping center: Shoppers... more»
White Castle Plundered By Turks

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News In Brief

KEW GARDENS, NY—A Queens-area White Castle restaurant was violently raided Friday by Turkish marauder Bakhbar The Cruel. "Let songs of this day... more»
'Urban Legends True,' Says Friend Of Cousin's Roommate

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—According to a study released Sunday by the friend of this one guy's roommate, contemporary word-of-mouth folklore, or "urban legends," are... more»
Aerobics Linked To Lousy Music

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—A UCLA study released Monday demonstrates a strong link between aerobics and lousy music. "In 98 percent of cases where aerobics are... more»
Neighbors Remember Serial Killer As Serial Killer

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News In Brief

DUNEDIN, FL—In the wake of his capture Monday, serial killer Eddie Lee Curtis is being recalled by neighbors as a serial killer. "He was kind of a... more»
Secret Police Enforce Mourning Of Deng Xiaoping

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | News In Brief

BEIJING—China's 1.2 billion citizens observed a state police-enforced mourning of 92-year-old premier Deng Xiaoping last week. "Our great leader is... more»
Fontly Speaking

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | Commentary

Hey, as much as I hate to preach, now is the time when I have to get on the old soapbox: No more Futura Bold Condensed! I mean, really! It's... more»
Visit the Zweibel Curio and Amusement Museum!

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | Columnists

Doubtless, you working-men out there are saving your pennies for summer outings with your families. I am sure many of you are planning jaunts to the... more»
I'm A Human Lab Rat

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's going down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but Jim Anchower is a busy man, so you should... more»
I Will Love You Until The Stars Fall From The Sky vs. Please Stop Calling Me

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | Point-Counterpoint

Elaine, I will love you forever. I will adore you until the sun neither rises in the morning, nor sets in the evening as you lay your perfect cheek... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 5, 1997

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | Horoscopes

In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza... more»
Drug Use At Work

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | Infographic

According to recently released DEA statistics, on-the-job drug use is rising. Why are so many Americans getting high at work? more»
The Clone Wars

issue 3108 | 03.05.97 | What Do You Think?

In the first-ever cloning of a mammal, scientists in Scotland announced last week that they had successfully cloned a sheep. What do you think? more»