Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 12, 1997 - March 18, 1997 | Issue 31•09

Rules Grammar Change

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead there will a new form of organizing sentences be. U.S. Grammar Guild according to, the new structure loosely on an obscure 800-year-old, pre-medieval Anglo-Saxon syntax is based. The syntax primarily verbs, verb clauses and adjectives at the end...

Taco Bell Launches New 'Morning After' Burrito

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News

PURCHASE, NY—Taco Bell’s new burrito will prevent unwanted pregnancies if ingested within 36 hours following intercourse. more»
EPA: Recycling Eliminated More Than 50 Million Tons Of Guilt In '96

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to an Environmental Protection Agency report released Monday, nationwide recycling efforts eliminated more than 50 million... more»
Tibetan Resistance Leaders Seize Yak

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News

LHASA, TIBET—Seven members of the Tibetan Free People's Resistance Movement, acting in the name of "all citizens of occupied Tibet," seized a... more»
U.S. Techno-Industrial Base Eroding Due To Foreign Competition

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With first-quarter Club Rotation Index figures the lowest in seven years, and imports outselling domestic 12-inches more than... more»
Liz Taylor In Stable Condition Following Emergency Rhinestonectomy

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—It was a return to the days of old-fashioned Hollywood surgical glamour Saturday, as Elizabeth Taylor was rushed to Yul Brynner... more»
Tom Bosley Named Secretary Of Naps

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Beloved veteran actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries, was appointed U.S. Secretary of... more»
Twentysomething Generation Turns 35

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Advertising agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday, when the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the... more»
Visa Fires Bob Dole

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Credit-card giant Visa announced Tuesday that Bob Dole has been dropped from its current "No ID" advertising campaign. "The American... more»
Congress Approves $15 Billion MediCruelty

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—With a rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical care, Congress approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of... more»
Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | News In Brief

MOSCOW—Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very... more»
Will You Or Will You Not Be My Back-Door Man, Kevin Lindauer?

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | Commentary

Well, we've been working together here at Cellucom Electronics Systems for almost a year now, and there is something that I've been just dying to ask... more»
I Wish To Meet This 'Burger-King'

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | Columnists

During my long life, I have always tried to keep abreast of the latest foreign affairs. And indeed, very little has ever missed my attention.... more»
Look Out, Computers—Here Comes Jean!

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | Columnists

People sometimes ask me how I got my start writing newspaper columns. Well, if I owe my career to anyone, it's to the late, great Erma Bombeck. When... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | Horoscopes

You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500. more»
Hollywood Rehashed

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | Infographic

With the Star Wars trilogy a monster hit at the box office, Hollywood is now planning an entire wave of re-released blockbusters. What impact... more»
Protecting The Police

issue 3109 | 03.12.97 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of an ever-growing number of shootings of police officers, including last week's L.A. bank-robbery shootout, debate is raging over how to... more»