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March 19, 1997 - March 25, 1997 | Issue 31•10

Sinn Fein Leaders Demand Year-Round Shamrock Shake Availability

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—The Irish Republican Army announced Monday that it will embark on the most aggressive campaign of violence in its history if McDonald's Shamrock Shakes are not made available year-round. "The Shamrock Shake is a frosty, minty symbol of all that we hold dear," said Gerry Adams, leader of Sinn Fein, the IRA's political wing. "It is shameful...

Nobel Prize Committee Adds 'Most Ripped Abs' Category

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News

STOCKHOLM—The new category honors outstanding achievement in the areas of upper abs, lower abs, and obliques. more»
Fox Defends Airing Of When Jews Attack

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—In the face of widespread public outcry, Fox TV executives spoke out Monday in defense of last week's airing of When Jews Attack. more»
Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News

NORFOLK, VA—In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad... more»
Al Gore Stood Up On Diplomatic Visit

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News

PARIS—Vice-President Al Gore felt a deep, all-consuming sense of worthlessness Monday, when, after months of careful diplomatic networking, he was... more»
Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally... more»
Barry White De-Euphemized

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order,... more»
'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's... more»
Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Brief

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was... more»
Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Brief

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct... more»
New Urban Visor Blocks Out The Poor

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Photos
Dan Aykroyd Has Aykroyds

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Photos
Ohio Governor Makes Desperate Plea To Aquaman

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Photos
Ape Appointed Banana Czar

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | News In Photos
I'll Smoke Anything

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | Commentary

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty.... more»
Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | Columnists

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my... more»
Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | Columnists

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon,"... more»
Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | Horoscopes

After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse. more»
New Sugared Cereals

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | Infographic

As competition for the breakfast-cereal dollar heats up, more and more surgary kids' cereals are being introduced. Here are some of the new sugared... more»
Notorious R.I.P.

issue 3110 | 03.19.97 | What Do You Think?

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you... more»