Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 2, 1997 - April 8, 1997 | Issue 31•12

New Chuck E. Cheese Restaurant Forged In Iron And Blood

SOUTHFIELD, MI—The streets are quiet now, but the ghosts still haunt the place they made. Seeming to defy gravity itself as it thrusts itself defiantly skyward, Southfield's newly built Chuck E. Cheese restaurant towers as an enduring monument to the men who labored to hew it from the living rock of the Midvale Mini Mall's parking lot. Hundreds of years from...

Mexican Scientists Perfect Copying

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News

GUADALAJARA, MEXICO—The world's scientific community is abuzz after Mexican scientists successfully copied a picture of a sheep. more»
'I May Be Hazardous To Your Health,' Warns Homicidal Surgeon General

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In his most strongly worded pronouncement yet, Surgeon General J. Putnam Andrews issued a stern warning to all U.S. citizens Monday... more»
Nation's Homeless Less Important Than Ever

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Tuesday by the Department of Housing and Urban Development, the nation's approximately five million... more»
Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change Of Heart On Gay Issue

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Thurmond described the homoerotic rendezvous as "a loving and mutually rewarding exchange of affection." more»
Local Man Helped Every Day By Salad Shooter

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Brief

CINCINNATI—A Presto Appliance advertising slogan was proven accurate Tuesday, when local resident Larry McCue announced that he is helped every day... more»
Clinton's Lower Lip 'Very Concerned' About Albanian Crisis

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move expected to cause a slight jutting of his lower jaw region, it was announced Monday that President Clinton's lower lip is... more»
Creative Alcoholic Comes Up With Idea To Drink A Lot

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Brief

GALVESTON, TX—Area alcoholic Joe Roush unveiled Monday a bold, counterintuitive plan for this weekend: to become intoxicated by the alcohol his... more»
Israel Agrees To Creation Of Palestinian Homeroom

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Brief

WEST BANK—In a historic breakthrough in the struggle for peace in the Middle East, Israeli and PLO leaders settled on a large ground-floor room in... more»
L.A. Adds High-Speed Chase Lane To Freeway

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—In an attempt to streamline its clogged highway system, the city of Los Angeles is setting aside the far left lane of all freeways for... more»
Camel Cash Gaining Strength Against The Dollar

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Photos
Mall Pastry Shop Takes Oscar For Best Cinnabontography

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Photos
Cat Prepares For Anal Display In Owner's Face

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Photos
Retirees Speak Out On Crucial Lawn Care Issues

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | News In Photos
I'm T.J. Maxxed Out

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | Commentary

I'm a real bargain hunter, so where there's a sale you're likely to find me. I spent the entire morning at T.J. Maxx's big Winter Clearance Sale, and... more»
You're Doomed!

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | Columnists

Several nights ago I couldn't sleep a wink due to an ongoing bout of the ague. Restless, I barked at my nurse to open the window so that some fresh... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 2, 1997

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | Horoscopes

Your love of goulash will become so strong that it warps time and space, projecting you into an alternate dimension in which Hungary won the war. more»
The Vegas Boom

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | Infographic

Long seen as only a tourist destination, Las Vegas is currently America's fastest-growing city. Why are so many people moving there? more»
Tattoo Youth

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | What Do You Think?

A number of parents' groups are currently lobbying Congress to pass legislation requiring minors to obtain parental consent before they can get a... more»
HeartSmart Health Tips

issue 3112 | 04.02.97 | Tips

In these hectic times, very few of us make an effort to take proper care of our bodies. Here are some tips to start you down the path of more healthy... more»