Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 9, 1997 - April 15, 1997 | Issue 31•13

Indonesian Nine-Year-Old Loves To Volunteer

SURABAYA, INDONESIA—They don't come much more dedicated than nine-year-old Sibu Sandakan. Unlike most boys his age, who would rather spend their free time skateboarding or hanging out at the mall, this generous youngster spends every chance he gets doing volunteer work. Seven days a week, young Sibu helps out at the Nike athletic shoe factory in nearby Malang. Sewing...

Ad Industry Veterans Honored With Cola War Memorial

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The new memorial commemorates the thousands laid off during the 'Just For The Taste Of It' campaign. more»
Clinton Gets Tough On Crime With New 'Get Tough On Crime' Stickers

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a bold move designed to halt the spread of violent crime in America, President Clinton unveiled his new "Get Tough On Crime"... more»
Horkheimer Hospitalized

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News

MIAMI—Jack Horkheimer, director of the Miami Space Transit Planetarium and host of the PBS program Star Hustler, was rushed to an area... more»
Pharmaceutical Company Says Its New Anti-Depressant Is 'Worthless And Dumb'

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News

EAST BRUNSWICK, NJ—At a press conference Monday, Peter Cafazzo, CEO of Brunley-Hunt Pharmaceuticals (BHP), introduced his company's latest... more»
High-Definition Television Promises Sharper Crap

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In the most dramatic leap in television technology since the advent of color in the 1950s, on Monday the FCC approved a 10-year plan... more»
Woman Injured In Hostile Makeover

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Area resident Julie Milner is in stable condition following a hostile makeover Monday. According to witnesses, Milner was looking at... more»
Congress Raises Killing Age To 19

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Making good on a promise to curb juvenile crime, Congress passed legislation Monday making it illegal for anyone under 19 to commit... more»
Police Sketch Artist Admits To Only Drawing People Who Have Wronged Him

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Dozens of wrongful arrests were brought to light Saturday, as longtime Houston Police Department sketch artist Daniel Lampert confessed... more»
Bad To The Bone To Be Used In Film

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an inspired act of film soundtracking, Paramount Pictures announced Tuesday that its forthcoming family comedy Twerps will... more»
Gay Gene Isolated, Ostracized

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—On Monday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which causes homosexuality in human males, promptly segregating it... more»
Our Nation's Guard Rails: Are They Safe Enough?

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Photos

more»
Target Range Under Fire From Community Members

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Photos
Aretha Franklin Demands F-U-D-G-E

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Photos
Aliens Arrive Late: 'Sorry, Hope Nobody's Killed Themselves Yet,' Say Aliens

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | News In Photos
I Am The Way, The Truth And The Light

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | Commentary

Friendly friend, are you a rubberband? It is okay to admit that you are. more»
The Ladies' Hats Are Too Big These Days

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | Columnists

With the coming of spring-time, the ladies will soon be out promenading in the parks in their new fashions. It is my wish that the Paris couturiers... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 9, 1997

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | Horoscopes

Your dyslexia ruins your enjoyment of origami when you repeatedly attempt and fail to unfold a crane into a piece of paper. more»
Oprah's Book Club

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | Infographic

Oprah Winfrey's book club has quickly become a major force in the publishing world: Every book she has selected has made the New York Times... more»
The McVeigh Trial

issue 3113 | 04.09.97 | What Do You Think?

With the Oklahoma City bombing trial about to begin, many observers are questioning whether defendant Timothy McVeigh—the subject of intense media... more»