Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 16, 1997 - April 22, 1997 | Issue 31•14

Long-Lost Georgia O'Keeffe Watercolor Found

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—The art world is abuzz following the recent discovery of a long-lost Georgia O'Keeffe watercolor. Spreading Tulip, painted by O'Keeffe in 1926, was missing for more than 70 years before being discovered Monday in the attic of Regina Pelphrey, 82, of Las Cruces, NM. Art historians are hailing the watercolor, valued at $10 million, as one...

Federal Court Orders Cosmopolitan To Reveal Beauty Secrets

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Following a federal grand jury injunction Tuesday, the editors of Cosmopolitan have been ordered to turn over classified... more»
Arabs, Israelis Sign 'Screw Peace' Accord

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News

JERUSALEM—The accord has been hailed as a major step toward restoring traditional Middle Eastern hatred. more»
Four Dead In Unimpressive Group Suicide

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Leading movie producers are reacting with disinterest following Monday's discovery of the bodies of four cult members in Plano, TX. more»
Kiss Army Rocked By Allegations Of Propriety

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News

DETROIT ROCK CITY—The Kiss Army, long respected for its traditions of disobedience, insubordination and guitar-fueled mayhem, is the subject of a... more»
Peruvian Rebels Seize Control Of Their Lives

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News

LIMA, PERU—In a daring midnight raid Monday, Peru's Tupac Amaru rebels seized control of their lives, determining clear goals for their futures and... more»
Love For Jesus Inspires Honk

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Brief

SALT LAKE CITY—Spurred on by an automotive decal, or "bumper sticker," an area woman's love for Jesus Christ was manifested in honk form Monday. "I... more»
Shirtless Lifeguard Investigates Paranormal Phenomena

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Brief

MALIBU, CA—In a remarkable display of dedication to human safety, area lifeguard Mitch Buchannon has sacrificed all possible leisure time to... more»
'Everything's $10,000' Chain Goes Out Of Business

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Brief

WHEELING, WV—Citing "phenomenally poor sales," the retail chain Everything's $10,000 filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Monday. "When we started, we... more»
CIA To Shift Focus To Greeting Cards

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—After decades devoted to toppling Third World regimes and pumping crack into America's inner cities, CIA Director Robert Gates... more»
Area Man Likes Food

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Brief

FLUSHING, NY—In a surprise announcement, local cab driver Kevin Reilly, 33, confirmed Monday that he likes food. "I enjoy meats, dairy products,... more»
Rugged New Sport-Utility Vehicle Takes On Mall Parking Lot

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Photos
New 'Aspershirt' Relieves Torso Pain

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Photos
NRA Spokesman: A Hebrew?

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Photos
Worthless Child Spills Last Can of Beer

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | News In Photos
Oh, I So Nervous!

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | Commentary

Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! I so nervous, I never ever wrote a goose column in a newspaper before! I am nervous! Ooh hoo! Ooh hoo! more»
I Only Think Of You On Two Occasions: Day And Night

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | Columnists

Damn. more»
Where Are My Prosthetic Ears?

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | Columnists

Nurse! Turn this room inside out! No one in this estate will eat their bread and gruel until my prosthetic ears are found! I just saw the things not... more»
Ask A Morally Weak Preacher

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | Advice

Father Paul Byrne is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Morally Weak Preacher, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of April 16, 1997

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | Horoscopes

You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging... more»
The Titanic Rises Again

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | Infographic

In the next six months, no fewer than four productions about the Titanic are slated for release: two made-for-TV movies, a Broadway musical and the... more»
Computer Countdown To '00

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | What Do You Think?

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed... more»
On TV Tonight

issue 3114 | 04.16.97 | On TV Tonight

8:00 9:00 10:00 NETWORK ABC Sununu And The Fat Kid John Hard, PI The Parental Discretion Boat ABC Movie: Oh, God, No—Please, No, Not My Baby, I Beg You, Oh Please Don't Hurt Her, Oh, God, No CBS Prescription: Hunk Fucked By An Angel Plain Sarah Of The Frontier The Penetrator NBC The Gorgeous Couple NBC Movie: Meteor! Dateline NBC Special: Could A Meteor Hit The Earth? FOX When Jews Attack The Wacky Animated Family Alien Work Force Y'All Ain't Takin' My Baby, You Hear? PBS Please Pledge Money Bob Vila's This Damn House Goodwife Mintforth And Her Mystery-Solving Cat The Mark Russell Tedious Political Humor Hour WB Kickin' Damn! You, Hold Up, Darnell! The Single Moms CABLE BET Groove Goin' On Slow Thang Bumpin' Chocolate Love Right On! With Meldrick Simms Family I'm Sorry, He's Going To Die Open Forum: Who's Nicer—Mom Or Dad? Charlton Heston Presents: Guns History Hitler: An Inside Look Nazi War Planes Hitler's Last Days Hitler's Women Project: Hitler TNN This Here's My Dog I Caught Me These Fish Okay, Give 'Er The Gas Again, Clem USA Breast Force USA Quantum Heap Why Is This On? Tit Party '85 (Edited For Television) PublicAccess Three Guys Learning How To Zoom In Difficult Viewing Hour Technical Incompetence