Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 23, 1997 - April 29, 1997 | Issue 31•15

High School Basketball Star Announces He Will Skip College, Go Straight To Embittered Alcoholism

CHICAGO—Continuing a recent trend among high school basketball stars, Farragut High School All-American point guard Jerrod Washburn announced he will skip college and go directly to embittered alcoholism, wallowing in the memory of his Farragut glory days and, ultimately, dying obscure and penniless in a South Side alleyway. "This was not an easy decision for me,"...

Big, Lovable Dog Resolves Crisis In Zaire

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News

KINSHASA, ZAIRE—In his greatest act of international heroism since alerting authorities of British Prime Minister John Major's fall down a deep... more»
Crash Pulled From Theaters Following Real-Life Car Crash

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News

OVERLAND PARK, KS—In what highway safety personnel are calling "a chilling example of cinema come to life," David Cronenberg's Crash was... more»
Astronomer Discovers Black Hole At Center Of Own Marriage

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News

PASADENA, CA—Astrophysicist Miles Lindgren discovered a commitment vortex from which no love can escape. more»
C-SPAN Courts Viewers With 'Mr. Slotnik,' Congress' Cantankerous Landlord

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing lackluster ratings in an increasingly competitive cable market, C-SPAN announced Monday that it will beef up the cast of... more»
Viewer Outraged

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Brief

SHREVEPORT, LA—Longtime television viewer Abraham Frank, 78, expressed outrage Tuesday over a Married With Children episode in which a... more»
Unpopular High-Schoolers Downplay Significance Of Prom

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Brief

DOVER, DE—With Dover Central High School's May 11 prom fast approaching, unpopular seniors Kenneth Edmonds, 17, and James Montauk, 18, are actively... more»
McDonnell-Douglas Unveils New 'Gay-Dar'

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—McDonnell-Douglas unveiled its new $500 million "Gay-Dar" homosexual-detection system Monday, the most sophisticated such system... more»
North Dakota Flooding Reminds People Of North Dakota's Existence

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Brief

FARGO, ND—Flood waters reached record highs throughout North Dakota Tuesday, causing millions in property damage and reminding non-North Dakotans... more»
Major League Baseball To Retire All Black Players

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In honor of Brooklyn Dodgers legend Jackie Robinson, who broke baseball's color barrier 50 years ago last week, Major League Baseball... more»
Clinton Commissions John Williams To Compose 'Clinton's Theme'

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Photos
Gay Rights Leader Lookin' Good

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Photos
Notorious B.I.G. Cremation Enters Fifth Week

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Photos
Cancer Lobbies For Decreased Cancer Funding

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | News In Photos
Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me Jerry Garcia Was Dead?

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | Commentary

Whoa, dude, shit. This is heavy. This is so... God, I don't know. Let me tell you, man. I was sitting down with all these people on the sidewalk in... more»
Curse You, Rogue Highwayman!

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | Columnists

For the past week the Zweibel Estate has been transformed into a vast fortress. The servants have been busy boarding up the windows, digging trenches... more»
My Night In Hunk Heaven

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | Columnists

How's this for a triple threat: It's Monday, I have a yeast infection, and it's my birthday. (Fortunately, I've learned how to halt the aging... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 23, 1997

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | Horoscopes

You will be attacked by knife-wielding maniacs who will stab you 27 times, but take heart—a simple mixture of salt and lemon juice should get the... more»
Office Internet Crackdown

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | Infographic

Recreational internet use in the workplace is on the rise. Here's what American companies are doing to crack down on at-work web surfing. more»
Is The President Above The Law?

issue 3115 | 04.23.97 | What Do You Think?

Last week, President Clinton's Whitewater business partner was sentenced to three years in prison, while the president avoided standing trial. Days... more»