Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 30, 1997 - May 6, 1997 | Issue 31•16

Augusta National Honors Tiger Woods With Own Drinking Fountain

AUGUSTA, GA—Augusta National, home of the Masters Tournament, honored 1997 Masters champion Tiger Woods Monday, giving him his own drinking fountain at the prestigious country club. "Tiger, for your historic achievement, setting an all-time Masters Tournament record, we present you with this beautiful, specially designated drinking fountain," said Augusta National...

Seven Trampled In Annual 'Running Of The Congressmen'

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In what Washington insiders are calling "one of the most impressive displays of congressional virility in U.S. history," seven... more»
Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit... more»
New National Parks Website Makes National Parks Obsolete

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to make America's natural wonders available to all citizens, the Department of the Interior announced Monday the... more»
Chrysler Halts Production Of Neckbelts

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News

DETROIT—Paralysis and violent decapitations contributed to the recall of all automobiles containing neckbelts. more»
Life Unfair

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Brief

EARTH—For the 50 billionth consecutive week since its inception, life was revealed to be unfair Monday. Death and suffering continued to be... more»
DEA Accepts Record $280 Million Drug Bribe

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Drug Enforcement Administration officials announced Monday the largest-ever drug bribe received by the agency. The $280 million... more»
A&E Biography Host Peter Graves Comes Out In Ellen-Inspired Ratings Grab

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—In an Ellen-like ploy for higher ratings, the producers of A&E's Biography have chosen to reveal the homosexuality of... more»
Ünited Stätes Toughens Image With Umlauts

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a move designed to make the United States seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," Congress officially... more»
McDonald's Fights World Hunger With New Triple-Decker Burger

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Brief

OAK PARK, IL—The McDonald's Corporation took a giant step toward conquering the problem of world hunger Monday, unveiling its new McTriple Decker... more»
Report: Voters May Have Tried To Influence '96 Election

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Photos

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Pacifist Linebacker Dodges NFL Draft

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Photos

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Giant Altoid Headed Toward Earth'Curiously Strong' Celestial Body Will Extinguish All Life

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Photos
Jenny McCarthy Lured To Fox Network By Bright Light

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | News In Photos
This 'Alan Jackson' Must Be Stopped

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | Commentary

All over this country there is evidence of a takeover. Not a violent, outright takeover, but a far more subtle and insidious one. To do nothing is to... more»
Wanted: Food Chewer

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | Columnists

That's it. I'm through with that ox of a nurse. I despise the way her buttocks ripple shamelessly back and forth under the thin fabric of her white... more»
Dude, I Almost Got Drafted

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | Columnists

Hola amigos. Workin' hard or hardly workin'? If you know me, you know my answer to that question. And if you don't know me, then hang on, 'cause... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | Horoscopes

You will begin the week feeling tired and "run down," but a delicious glass of grade-A milk will soon set you right as rain. more»
Beanie Babies Fever

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | Infographic

Why are kids across America going crazy for Beanie Babies? more»
Premarital Counseling

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | What Do You Think?

In response to escalating divorce rates, some federal legislators are pushing for a law that would require all engaged couples to meet with a... more»
Fashion Dos & Don'ts

issue 3116 | 04.30.97 | Tips

These days, looking good is a must. Here are a few tips from the experts to help keep you in style: more»