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May 7, 1997 - May 13, 1997 | Issue 31•17

Rogue Smorgasbord Sates Seven

ASHEVILLE, NC—A rogue smorgasbord ran rampant through the streets of Asheville Monday, eluding police and restauranteurs for over nine hours and sating the appetites of at least seven area residents caught in its path. The smorgasbord, a 20-foot-long buffet table with heated steam trays and dual left/right sneeze guards, was the property of Country Pantry Buffet, and...

Republicans, Dadaists Declare War On Art

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the "proliferation of immoral and offensive material throughout America's museums and schools," and waving placards... more»
Clerk Endures Fifth Humiliating Year

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News

CHELSEA, MI—Dean Rechler was honored by Shop 'N' Thrift management for five years of spirit-crushing employment. more»
Shi'ite Terrorists Cross County Line

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News

TANNER COUNTY, GA—A pair of Islamic Shi'ite terrorists, wanted in connection with a string of airport bombings dating back to 1983, broke out of... more»
Hummel Space Telescope Seeks Out, Photographs Collectible Space Phenomena

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA is celebrating a successful start to the first-ever deep-space exploration project funded entirely by elderly women with... more»
Area Senior Stays Active

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News

MIDDLEBURY, VT—Life begins at 90! So goes the motto of spunky area senior Archibald Munson, 91 years young and still as active as ever. While... more»
Hippocratic Oath Under Review By HMO Board

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The Oath of Hippocrates, a cornerstone of medical ethics for more than 2,000 years, is under review by the board of directors of MedCare,... more»
Focus Group Reveals: 95 Percent Of Americans Would Like To Go Home

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Extensive focus-group testing results released Monday by the marketing firm of Hayes, Loesser & Falk revealed that an overwhelming 95... more»
Clinton Calls For Big Bucks, No Whammys

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton echoed the hopes of a nation in his weekly radio address Sunday, calling for big bucks and no whammys in the U.S.... more»
New Bar To Feature 'Sports' Theme

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Brief

PITTSBURGH—Area entrepreneur Andrew Wallensky is keeping his fingers crossed after Monday's opening of "Bleachers," a bold new bar centered around... more»
Vatican Unveils New Pope Signal

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Photos
Time-Warner CEO Announces Plans To Merge With Secretary

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Photos
'98 Camaros Test Higher Than Owners

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Photos
Local Sea Cow Tired Of All The Lies

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | News In Photos
Tell Me Now If You Don't Want To See My Penis

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | Commentary

Listen, it's obvious we're having a problem in the communications department. In the future, you've got to tell me what it is you want right away,... more»
Zweibelmas Is Coming!

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | Columnists

September 21 may still be a long way off, but only the foolhardy would neglect to begin preparations for Zweibelmas. Zweibelmas has been so long a... more»
Long Live Selena, Queen Of Texaco Music!

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | Columnists

Item! Texaco singing sensation Selena wows 'em the old-fashioned way—bilingually! See, "Texaco" refers to the culture of the... more»
Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | Advice

Petey Paws is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Humorous Cartoon Cat, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | Horoscopes

Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him. more»
Volunteer Call-To-Arms

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | Infographic

Last week, the President's Summit for America's Future met to recruit a national army of volunteers. What are the most popular ways for Americans to... more»
The FDR Memorial

issue 3117 | 05.07.97 | What Do You Think?

The new Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial, dedicated last Friday in Washington, D.C., has come under fire for not depicting him in a wheelchair.... more»