Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 14, 1997 - May 20, 1997 | Issue 31•18

Ass-Kisser Promoted

PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again Monday with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis, an assistant district account manager for the consulting firm of Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn, to the position of regional manager. MacInnis, 33, a longtime sweet-talker ...

Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News

NEW YORK—As trouser downsizing continues throughout the troubled economy and budget cuts threaten employees' pants security, many workers in... more»
Clinton Fires Cabinet After Watching X-Files

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton fired the entire U.S. Cabinet Monday following an episode of the popular television program X-Files he... more»
Report: Quality Of Stabbings Down 50 Percent In '96

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Crime Statistics revealed that the quality of stabbings in America dropped by more... more»
Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's... more»
ABC Announces Ellen Will Come Out In Every Episode

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen's recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show's... more»
Scientists Discover Perfect Little Out-Of-The-Way Place

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Brief

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After years spent carefully exploring virtually every eatery in the Boston area, MIT scientists announced Tuesday the discovery of... more»
Secretary Of Education Under Investigation For Falsifying Hall Passes

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) called for a special investigative panel to look into allegations that U.S. Secretary of... more»
Oscar Mayer Inedibles Not Huge Success

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Photos

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Baseball Season Rumored To Be Underway

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Photos
God-Knows-What To Take Place In Rural Cabin

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Photos
Eric Clapton Ossifies

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | News In Photos
We Must Remember To Cap Our Nation's Pens

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | Commentary

My friends, a foul pestilence sweeps across this land. In every citizen, there breeds a hateful cancer of indifference. Heed my words well: Cap all... more»
Jean's Got Beanie Babies Fever!

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | Commentary

Sometimes I think I'm going through my second childhood or something. I must own more dolls and stuffed animals now than I did when I was eight years... more»
Help, I Am Caught In A Tree

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | Columnists

Nurse, help! Help me! I am stuck at the top of a tree and cannot get down! more»
Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | Horoscopes

Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer. more»
Holistic Medicine Boom

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | Infographic

Holistic medicine has exploded in popularity in recent years. Why are millions of Americans taking a New Age approach to health? more»
Tobacco Company Liability

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | What Do You Think?

In a landmark case last week, a federal judge ruled that cigarette manufacturer R.J. Reynolds is not liable in the lung-cancer death of a longtime... more»
Penny-Pinching Shopping Tips For Seniors

issue 3118 | 05.14.97 | Tips

Shopping on the fixed budget of a retiree can be tough. Here are a few tips to help seniors stretch those retirement dollars. more»