Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 4, 1997 - June 10, 1997 | Issue 31•20

Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

PLEASANT, NC—Outraged community members are mounting an aggressive public protest campaign this week in response to an X-rated videotape availiable at Pleasant's Video Villa video store, claiming that the tape does not contain the "Spectacular All-Anal Action" promised on its cover. "Are we as citizens expected to just sit back and allow this sort of garbage to go...

Clinton Makes Federal Budget Proposal More Dynamic With Color Charts From Kinko's

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton wowed Congress with a revised balanced-budget proposal Monday, utilizing eye-catching, easy-to-read color charts... more»
Violence Against Women Linked To Burned Pot Roasts

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News

GAINESVILLE, FL—Researchers have found a direct causal link between overcooked, poorly prepared dinners and spousal abuse. more»
Hong Kong Leaders Make Desperate Plea To Jackie Chan

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News

VICTORIA, HONG KONG—With their nation set to revert to Chinese rule, Hong Kong leaders called upon the one man who can save them. more»
Value Of Psychic Phone Service Empirically Proven By Gary Coleman Endorsement

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Gary Coleman shifted the balance of power within the industry by endorsing the Psychic Friends Network. more»
Star Trek Introduces Alien Character With Totally Different Forehead Wrinkles

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a move expected to spark debate and excitement among fans, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine producers announced Monday that next... more»
Everything A Joke To Local Teen

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Brief

KLAMATH FALLS, OR—It was revealed Tuesday that everything—from school work to Sunday church services, from requests to clean up his room to... more»
Rwandan Refugees Angered Over Lack Of AOL Access

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Brief

BRAZZAVILLE, CONGO—A group of more than 100,000 Rwandan refugees, forced from their homes by war and ravaged by starvation, are now facing a new... more»
Connecticut Man Visited By Being From Another Time Zone

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Brief

NORWALK, CT—Past met present Monday when Norwalk resident Tony Shearing was visited by his cousin, Paul Kulwicki, who resides in the state of... more»
Navy Discontinues Use of 'Port' And 'Starboard'Will Now Refer To Left As 'Thunk' And Right As 'Moosh-Baroo'

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Photos
Area Eyesore Also A Data Technician

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Photos
New 'Wacky Wipers' Make Driving In The Rain Fun

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Photos
Kasparov De-Rezzed

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | News In Photos
I Am Fucking Insane

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | Commentary

Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.... Five minutes with Walter Matthau is like 10 years in an Ivy League school....... more»
Baby, Please Pick Up That Phone

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | Columnists

Baby, my world has been so cold since you left me standing there in the rain. You were everything to me, girl. I still can't believe that you left... more»
I Dislike My New Nurse

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | Columnists

Some time ago, my nurse, a custard-witted dullard with whom I had been long displeased, did me the injustice of aiding and abetting my despised... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 4, 1997

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | Horoscopes

Force the neighborhood ice-cream man to move into your spare bedroom and dress in a French maid's outfit. Explain to him that he is now your... more»
Summer Blockbusters

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | Infographic

This summer, Hollywood is releasing more big-budget blockbusters than ever before. What are the top films due out? more»
Heroin Chic

issue 3120 | 06.04.97 | What Do You Think?

President Clinton spoke out last week against "heroin chic," the glamorization of heroin use through fashion ads depicting emaciated,... more»