Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 18, 1997 - June 24, 1997 | Issue 31•21

Former Cult Members Find New Life In Christ

HANOVER, NH—Times are tough for young people today. Faced with the overwhelming complexities of modern life, many turn to drugs, gangs, and, in some cases, cults. It is estimated that each year, some 200,000 young people fall prey to the abuses of cult life. But in Hanover, NH, some people are fighting back. Here at the Fellowship House, more and more cult members are finding a new life......

Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Alzheimer's sufferers marched on random buildings throughout Washington, demanding more bread in the laundry. more»
Local Motorist Urged To Free Tibet

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News

LHASA, TIBET—The two million citizens of Chinese-occupied Tibet are placing their hopes for liberation in the hands of Susan Unger, a Chicago-area... more»
Learning Channel Switches To All-Gilligan Format

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News

ROSSLYN, VA—TLC officials say that viewers can expect to see fewer science specials and more head bonks involving coconuts. more»
Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers... more»
Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Brief

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model... more»
Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Brief

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens... more»
Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to... more»
Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for... more»
U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Brief

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high."... more»
College Graduate Accepts Position Above Parents' Garage

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Photos

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New Seals & Croft CD Club Offers 600 Seals & Crofts CDs For A Penny

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Photos
Girl Scouts Rocked By ‘Cookies For Cash’ Fundraising Scandal

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Photos
Clinton Makes Pact With Savages

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | News In Photos
Nobody Understands The Don Mynack Generation

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | Commentary

For the last few years, the media have been obsessed with the Don Mynack Generation, writing about us and analyzing us to death and trying to... more»
Wholesome Summer Past-times For The Youth

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | Columnists

It has been brought to my attention that the Republic's children are dismissed from school for the summer, making them vulnerable to indulgence,... more»
Love Is For Suckers

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What's goin' down in your part of town? I know it's been a long time since I've rapped at ya, but I've been busier than a rooster in a... more»
Ask A Coffin Salesman

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | Advice

Walter G. Sluman is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Coffin Salesman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | Horoscopes

A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a... more»
The Extreme Sports Craze

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | Infographic

According to a number of national magazines, America's thrill-seeking youths are going wild for extreme sports—"radical" activities like... more»
Military Sex Scandals

issue 3121 | 06.18.97 | What Do You Think?

In the past year, several military officers have been involved in major sex scandals, ranging from adultery to sexual assault. What do you... more»