Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 9, 1997 - July 15, 1997 | Issue 31•23

'Vehicular Manslaughter Doctor' Assists In 23rd Doctor-Assisted Vehicular Manslaughter

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Dr. James Munson, known to millions as the infamous "vehicular manslaughter doctor," participated in his 23rd doctor-assisted vehicular manslaughter Monday, running over an 81-year-old Michigan woman. Munson, who was arrested and charged with first-degree vehicular manslaughter in the incident, hit Mildred Peters of Portage, MI, with his 1994 Ford...

CIA Unveils New Ghetto Drugs For '98

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News

LANGLEY, VA—After months of eager anticipation within the nation's ghetto communities, the Central Intelligence Agency unveiled its 1998 line of... more»
Report: U.S. Students Lead World In TV Jingle Recall

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Welcome news for America's much-maligned educational system arrived Monday, when a Department of Education study revealed that U.S.... more»
Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Stephen Hawking told reporters that he is faster, stronger, and better than before. more»
Tobacco Companies Ordered To Pay Reparations Of $800 Billion In Camel Cash

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—As part of the most severe federal restrictions ever placed on the tobacco industry, Congress on Monday ordered cigarette... more»
Doritos Good

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Brief

WARNER ROBINS, GA—A five-year study released Monday by area resident Wayne "Bud" Junker revealed that Doritos-brand tortilla chips are, without... more»
Stock Market 'Best Since 1928,' Say Investors

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Wall Street insiders are hailing the current bull market as the best since 1928, The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday.... more»
Jimmy Stewart: 'Please God, I Want To Live Again'

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Brief

BEDFORD FALLS, NY—Legendary actor Jimmy Stewart, who died last week at age 89, begged God Monday for another chance at life. "Get me back! Get me... more»
Congress Passes Natural Disaster Digital-Enhancement Funding

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress approved legislation Monday allocating more than $30 billion for digital enhancement of natural disasters. "It's bad enough... more»
Face Of Jesus Seen On Miracle Hippie

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Brief

EAST LANSING, MI—Throngs of Christians are flocking to East Lansing this week to witness what many are calling a modern miracle: the face of Jesus... more»
Clinton Found Alive

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Photos

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Supreme Court Justice Benatar Orders Army To Stop Using Sex As A Weapon

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Photos
Gunman Opens Fire In Own McDonald's

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Photos
Bank Teller Manages Smile With Last Remaining Ounce Of Strength

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | News In Photos
The Holy Woman Knoweth Well Her Place

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Commentary

To-day's sermon concerns Woman, a Vessel capable of both Holiness and Wickedness alike, but who all too often takes the latter Path, being as she is... more»
You Ungrateful Bastards!

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Columnists

You bastards! Why will you not buy Old Uncle Zweibel's Patented Tripe-Flavored Ices? Damn you! Damn you! more»
A Certain Pair Of Baywatch Buoys May Not Be Real!

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Columnists

Item! Pamela Anderson Lee has been the apple of many men's eyes for the past few years, but what would you think if I told you that her... more»
Ask Deep Blue

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Advice

Deep Blue is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose column, Ask Deep Blue, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of July 9, 1997

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Horoscopes

Your hospital bills skyrocket when the International Toughman Competition replaces its locomotive-pulling event with one called "Turn The Aries... more»
Digital Pet Fever

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Infographic

One of the hottest current fads is Tamagotchi, keychain-sized "digital pets" from Japan that you feed and care for. Why are they so popular? more»
An Apology For Slavery?

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | What Do You Think?

As part of his recent campaign to address the problem of racism in America, President Clinton raised the possibility of apologizing for slavery. What... more»
Sun Safety Tips

issue 3123 | 07.09.97 | Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan--but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning: more»