Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 23, 1997 - July 29, 1997 | Issue 31•24

Lord Under Investigation For Failure To Provide

WASHINGTON, DC—The six-millennia-old sky-father deity Yahweh, worshiped by Christians, Muslims and Jews alike for His alleged all-knowing compassion and vast benevolence toward humanity, refused comment following Monday's announcement that...

Clinton Calls For National Week Off To Get National Shit Together

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of the amount of shit that’s been piling up lately, President Clinton called for a National Week Off. more»
AIDS Awareness Campaign Spreads Awareness, AIDS

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News

BOSTON—With new AIDS cases on the decline for the fourth straight year and the disease in danger of losing millions of dollars in federal... more»
Entertainment Tonight Acquires Exclusive Preview Footage

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In an unprecedented act of journalistic subterfuge, Entertainment Tonight has acquired preview footage from the set of the... more»
Mir Scientists Study Effects Of Weightlessness On Mortal Terror

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News

KOROLYOV, RUSSIA—The delapidated space station with faulty wiring provides ideal conditions for learning about spaceborne panic. more»
Middle-Aged Woman Believes In Fourth Marriage, Angels

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News In Brief

FORT MYERS, FL—Area resident Beatrice Sewell, 49, affirmed her faith Thursday in both her fourth marriage, to local dockworker Davey Sewell, 54,... more»
NATO Admits Slovenia, Mummenschanz, Czech Republic

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News In Brief

REYKJAVIK, ICELAND—The North Atlantic Treaty Organization welcomed three new members Monday: former Soviet republic Slovenia, Swiss mask-mime... more»
George Lucas Announces Gala 21st Anniversary Star Wars Rerelease

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Next summer's blockbusters will have some old-fashioned competition when the Star Wars trilogy gets a special 21st... more»
U.S. Secretary Of Beer: 'Woooo!'

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a nationally televised press conference, U.S. Secretary of Beer Earl Titleman shouted boisterously and implored the American... more»
Michael Jordan Accidentally Packaged In Plastic

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | News In Photos
We Must Strike Now While England Is Weak!

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | Commentary

Fellow Americans, to call for war is to be absolutely certain in one's convictions. And never have I been so certain of the necessity for bloodshed... more»
The Black Men Was A Black Time At The Movies

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | Commentary

It has been said that there is no better time to see movies than during the summer time. Back when the world was young and long before the Great War,... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 23, 1997

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | Horoscopes

It's time to let old grudges go. Release those German POWs from your basement. more»
Publishing Industry Slump

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | Infographic

U.S. book publishers are struggling, with sales dropping sharply over the past few years. Why aren't Americans buying books? more»
The Graying Of America's Prisons

issue 3124 | 07.23.97 | What Do You Think?

As a result of the crime boom of the '70s and '80s, experts are predicting an explosion in the number of elderly prisoners in the coming decades.... more»