Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 5, 1997 - August 11, 1997 | Issue 32•01

Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point

SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture. According to Municipal Sleeveless-Clothing Subcommittee co-chair Edwin Thurley, the tank top, a 1981 horizontally striped,...

Clinton To PLO Terrorists: 'Leave The Girl Out Of It'

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a tense standoff with far-reaching implications for both the free world and the president's ironclad code of honor, President... more»
New Crispy Snack Cracker To Ease Crushing Pain Of Modern Life

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News

EAST HANOVER, NJ—The dull, all-consuming ache of late 20th century life will be slightly alleviated next week when America's supermarkets receive... more»
Oprah's Contraceptive Club Prevents 450,000 Pregnancies In First Month

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News

CHICAGO—Television talk-show host Oprah Winfrey, regarded by many as the most powerful woman in the media, has once again taken the TV industry by... more»
Local Puppet Ignores Repeated Audience Dragon Warnings:

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News

SEYMOUR, IN—Despite loud and repeated audience warnings, an area puppet was attacked by a dragon during a performance of The Silver Bananas... more»
Johnsville, Il, Renamed Walmart #11717

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Brief

JOHNSVILLE, IL—In a special town-square ceremony Friday, Mayor Byron Elkins officially renamed the town of Johnsville, IL, pop. 2,372, WalMart... more»
Pierced Tongue Fails To Make Local Woman Less Boring

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Brief

COLLEGE STATION, TX—Sources within the tongue-piercing community revealed Monday that area resident Jen Macalester, 20, is no less boring now than... more»
Mars Probe Destroyed By Orbiting Spielberg-Gates Space Palace

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Brief

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials have confirmed that the space agency's $170 million Mars Rover was destroyed Sunday by a ship-to-ship phaser... more»
Executive, Legislative, Judicial Branches Merge

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking to streamline federal affairs and give the government a much-needed shot in the arm, the three federal branches inked an... more»
World’s Supermodels Form Hall Of Justice To Protect Ordinary Models

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Photos
Local Sales Rep Hanging In There, Can’t Complain

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Photos
Greenpeace Releases Rescued Dolphins Into Forest

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Photos
Baseball Slugger On Pace To Hit 60 Women

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | News In Photos
Those Motherfucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | Commentary

Ever since my retirement last month from the sock factory, I've had a lot of extra time to spend around the yard. But the hours of pleasurable... more»
Zweibel Goes A-Courtin'

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | Columnists

The estate was awash in jollity and good tidings this week during the wedding of my great-great-great grandniece Violet Carstairs Zweibel to some... more»
Jean's Karaoke Krazy!

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | Columnists

So there I was last Friday night, wondering where the heck hubby Rick was. He had promised to take me to see Con Air, but it was almost 15... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 5, 1997

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | Horoscopes

Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky. more»
Mormonism's 150th

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | Infographic

Mormonism is 150 years old. How are Mormons celebrating the anniversary? more»
CNN And The Movies

issue 3201 | 08.05.97 | What Do You Think?

CNN journalists have come under fire for a number of recent appearances in films, including The Lost World and Contact. What do you... more»