Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 12, 1997 - August 18, 1997 | Issue 32•02

Incorrect Pain-Reliever Brand Choice Results In Missed Job Promotion

SAN FRANCISCO—In a tragic case of pain-reliever brand choice gone wrong, Gus Farber, an assistant sales-team project coordinator with the marketing firm of Integrated Management Solutions, missed a rare opportunity for job advancement Monday due to an error in headache-relief medication selection. The pain reliever chosen by Farber, Mifrin(TM)-brand...

World's Muslims Lighten Up

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News

JERUSALEM—After centuries of strict fundamentalism, Yasir Arafat and fellow Muslims are finally taking things a little less seriously. more»
Area 18-Year-Old Demands Right To Be Sexually Harassed In The Workplace

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News

EUGENE, OR—Joey Terzik wants to walk into work each day comfortable in the knowledge that he may be fondled by members of the opposite sex. more»
Local Moviegoer Signs $70, 10-Picture Deal With Cineplex Odeon

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—In a deal that has sent shock waves through the entertainment industry, Cineplex Odeon, the nation's second largest movie-theater... more»
Hunter-Soldier From Future Warns: 'Beware The Digital Pets'

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News

UNITED NATIONS—Jared-27, a hunter-soldier from the year 2189, addressed the United Nations Monday in an attempt to prevent enslavement, torture and... more»
Football Star Rusty In Sloppy Preseason Drug Bust

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Brief

OAKLAND, CA—Oakland Raiders' cornerback Demetrius Phillips looked unimpressive in his first drug arrest of the preseason Monday, surrendering to... more»
Marilu Henner Named U.S. Secretary Of Mid-Level Talent

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In an official White House ceremony Monday, President Clinton appointed actress Marilu Henner the first-ever U.S. Secretary of... more»
Thing Happens

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Brief

SUMATRA, INDONESIA—According to an unconfirmed report, a thing happened Monday, though experts say it is still not clear exactly what the thing... more»
Ghost Of Carl Sagan Warns Against Dangers Of Superstition

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Brief

ITHACA, NY—Appearing as a hovering, wraith-like vision above the Cornell University Physics Building where he taught for years, the ghost of... more»
Clinton Names Agriculture Secretary: Previously Unnamed Man To Be Called Joseph P. Ruckeyser

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Photos
Tomm Lasorda To Enjoy Sensible Dinner

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Photos
'98 Oscar Mayer Wienermobile Car & Driver's 10 Best Wienermobiles List

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Photos
New $50 Million Planetarium Opens Young Minds To Wonders Of Pink Floyd

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | News In Photos
I Have Another New Nurse Again

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | Columnists

Throughout my long and eventful life I have always steadfastly opposed change. Imagine my helplessness, then, when my longtime nurse, wretch that she... more»
Bring It On

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | Columnists

Girl, if you have any question in your mind as to whether I can satisfy you, bring your body to me now. more»
Ask A Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | Advice

Benny Upton is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Faulknerian Idiot Man-Child, appears in over 250 newspapers... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: YES vs. NO

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | Point-Counterpoint

That in 1997 the manufacture of erotic novelty cakes is still the responsibility of the federal government is preposterous. It is high time that... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 12, 1997

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | Horoscopes

You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash. more»
Lilith Fair Fever

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | Infographic

Lilith Fair, the all-female tour started by singer-songwriter Sarah McLachlan, is the hit of the summer concert season. Why are so many responding to... more»
The Roaring '90s

issue 3202 | 08.12.97 | What Do You Think?

With Wall Street soaring and unemployment low, America is enjoying its greatest prosperity since the mid-'80s. What do you think about the... more»