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August 19, 1997 - August 25, 1997 | Issue 32•03

Congress Revises 1997 Food-Crime Equivalency Ratings

WASHINGTON, DC—Following through on a promise to get tough on food, Congress unveiled its revised, stricter 1997 food-crime equivalency ratings Monday. Legislators from both parties hailed the new ratings as a step in the right direction. "This revision is a major victory in the fight against food crime," U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) said. "Under the new standards, meat...

McDonald's Sells Out

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News

OAK PARK, IL—The hip, underground fast-food chain McDonald's is being assailed with cries of "sell-out" from its rabid fan base, which has... more»
Nation's Educators Alarmed By Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The NEA called on parents and teachers to address the problem of low-quality suicide notes among U.S. teens. more»
Strom Thurmond Calls For Construction Of Transcontinental Railroad

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing the need for cheaper and faster shipping to the Western Territories, the need to unite the Republic after the long and bitter... more»
Shake-Up Among Cast Of Hit Show ABC World News Tonight

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News

NEW YORK—In a bold move to stay ahead of the competition in the ratings war, producers of the hit program ABC World News Tonight announced... more»
Area Man's Only Friend Announces: 'You've Got Mail'

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News

BERKELEY, CA—Area resident Kenneth Phelan received a message Monday from his only friend, who made a special trip to Phelan's computer terminal to... more»
Microsft Bids $2.1 Billion For Milton Berle Joke File

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Brief

REDMOND, WA—Continuing its massive content-acquisition drive, Microsoft paid $2.1 billion Monday for Milton Berle's Joke File, the world's most... more»
New Toothbrush Slightly Different From Already Existing, Perfectly Good Toothbrushes

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Brief

BELMONT, CA—At a press conference Monday, Oral-B Laboratories unveiled its much-anticipated new DentuTek 6.0 toothbrush, touted by its designers as... more»
AARP Calls For 'Comfier Booths' At Denny's

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a bold stand against discomfort, the American Association of Retired Persons called for "comfier booths" at America's... more»
Baseball Hall Of Fame Elected To Hall Of Fame Hall Of Fame

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Brief

MAPLEWOOD, NJ—In a gala ceremony Monday, the Baseball Hall of Fame was inducted into the Hall of Fame Hall of Fame. Said Hall of Fame Hall of Fame... more»
Al Gore Gets To Third

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Photos

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God Demands Cuter Precious Moments Figurines

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Photos
Area Cow Doesn't Suspect A Thing

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Photos
Nation's Tracy Chapman Fan 'Can't Wait' For Lilith Fair

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | News In Photos
My Short Fiction Will Restore America's Romantic Spirit

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | Commentary

Sadly, when I look around America today, I see a lack of romantic spirit. Men and women are no longer filled with wonder for the ethereal forces that... more»
A Night At The Moving-Daguerreotypes

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | Columnists

Inexplicably curious, I recently asked my faithful manservant Standish how the peasants deal with their pain and suffering, as they must have it in... more»
Illinois: The Promised Land

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | Columnists

Hola mis amigos! What's goin' down in your part of town? I know, it's been a long time since I've rapped at ya. It's been a long time, been a long... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 19, 1997

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | Horoscopes

After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad. more»
Comics At The Movies

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | Infographic

A slew of action comic-book heroes are slated to follow Spawn and Stell to the big screen in the coming months. Among the films: more»
The UPS Strike

issue 3203 | 08.19.97 | What Do You Think?

The weeks-old UPS strike is badly hurting America's small businesses—employers of 50 percent of the nation's workers—prompting many to call for... more»