Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 26, 1997 - September 1, 1997 | Issue 32•04

Coffeehouse Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus

AUSTIN, TX—Area college students Chris Montez and Amy Hammond achieved orally stimulated orgasm Monday evening after a chance encounter at the Java Europa coffeehouse. Experts agreed that Java Europa, with its unique atmosphere of comfortable, easy-going lounging and vaguely left-leaning political and cultural sensibilities, was instrumental in the success of the...

ZZ Top Grants Clinton Keys To Magic Hot Rod

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton's approval rating skyrocketed Monday with his acquisition of the keys to the Eliminator hot rod. more»
Last Literate Person On Earth Dead At 98

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News

ROUEN, FRANCE—Beatrice Berceau, renowned for her remarkable ability to decipher symbols printed on paper, died Monday. more»
Sea-Going Turtle Under Fire For Egg Abandonment

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News

OCALA, FL—State welfare agencies expressed outrage Monday over the discovery that a local sea turtle had "deliberately and recklessly abandoned"... more»
City Council, Herb J. Fenton Meet To Discuss Ways To Control Unchecked Growth Of Herb J. Fenton

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News

MILPITAS, CA—Citing space considerations, the need for a more forward-looking acquisition plan and community concern over severe electrical-outlet... more»
Lack Of Pre-Teen Cosmetic Surgery May Pose 'Serious Self-Esteem Risk,' Say Beverly Hills Doctors

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Children who do not receive corrective cosmetic surgery before puberty run a serious self-esteem risk "from which they may never... more»
'Hands Across Liechtenstein' Raises $30 For Liechtenstein Charities

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Brief

VADUZ, LIECHTENSTEIN—Citizens of the tiny European principality of Liechtenstein turned out in full force Saturday to participate in "Hands Across... more»
Local Audience Deemed 'Great'

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Brief

BOSTON—The 88 people in attendance at the Chuckle Barn's Saturday 8:30 p.m. show were uniformly praised by comedian Tony Campanelli as "great."... more»
Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Brief

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his... more»
Fans Beg Aerosmith To Go Back On Drugs

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—A national coalition of Aerosmith fans, frustrated by the weak, power-ballad-filled mediocrity of such recent Aerosmith albums as... more»
Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Brief

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic United Nations summit Tuesday, the world's 178,000 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same... more»
Are We Meeting The Needs Of Our Nation's Rich?

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Photos

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Across Nation, Superstores Driving Out Old-Fashioned Megamalls

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Photos
Temporary Worker Permanently Scarred

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Photos
Porn Star Doesn't Want To Direct

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | News In Photos
We Can Put A Man On The Moon, But We Can't Make Killer Robot Police?

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | Commentary

Every time I watch the news, I see another story about all the wonderful things NASA is doing in outer space. I know, I know, it's all supposed to be... more»
Copdale Made A Mockery Of Our Stalwart Policemen

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | Commentary

Whenever I have trouble around the home I can always count on the Men in Blue to come to my house and help me. Like the time when my wife Toots and I... more»
I Want In On This Teapot Dome Scandal

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | Columnists

Nurse! Nurse! Remove this mustard plaster from my chest! It chafes! Nurse! more»
Horoscope for the week of August 26, 1997

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | Horoscopes

Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only. more»
WNBA Fever

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | Infographic

The Women's National Basketball Association has been a big success, with fan interest and attendance high and attendance high throughout the league.... more»
Is Divorce Too Easy?

issue 3204 | 08.26.97 | What Do You Think?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do... more»