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September 2, 1997 - September 8, 1997 | Issue 32•05

Primary Masturbation Materials Relocated To Safer Area

SALEM, IN—The primary masturbation materials of Salem Middle School eighth-grader Jeremy Royce were relocated to a new, safer area in his room following a close call Monday. The contraband materials, which include a 1982 "Sex In Cinema" issue of Playboy featuring onetime Hugh Hefner companion Barbi Benton; a coverless copy of Gent found near the...

New Cambodian Barnes & Noble

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News

SIEM REAP, CAMBODIA—Many wonder if the gleaming Barnes & Noble can co-exist peacefully with other Cambodian book stores. more»
Local Teen Hates Life, Mom, Hair

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News

HARTFORD, CT—Addressing a group of juniors assembled in the Calhoun High School student parking lot, area 16-year-old Kelly Jensen announced Monday... more»
Christian Rockers Deny Kicking Ass

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News

ANAHEIM, CA—Controversy has erupted throughout the Christian Contemporary music scene in the wake of last Friday's allegations that the... more»
Congress Erases Federal Deficit Using Don Lapre 'Making Money' System

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Ushering in a new era of American economic prosperity, Congress announced Monday that the nation's $4.8 trillion federal budget... more»
World War II Veteran Allowed To Kill One Last German

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News

EMPORIA, KS—WWII fighter pilot Herman Porter, 87, has been appealing to the federal government since 1948 for the right to kill one last German... more»
Middle Management Gears Up For 'Operation Xerox-Fax'

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News

HARTFORD, CT—Middle managers at Coopers & Schmidt, a Hartford insurance claims adjustment firm, are busy gearing up this week for Operation... more»
U.S. Defense Secretary: 'I Am In Love'

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a report delivered to top Defense Department officials Monday, U.S. Defense Secretary William Cohen announced that he is in love... more»
Study: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Brief

BOSTON—A new study released in the New England Journal Of Medacine STOP Un-Medacine Medicine Medicine GO revealed that Obsessive-Compulsive... more»
Zoning Committee Meets, Zones A Bunch Of Shit

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Brief

NORCROSS, GA—The Norcross City Council zoning committee is celebrating what it described as a "monster" zoning session Monday. "Man, we were zoning... more»
NPR Host Raises Voice

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—All Things Considered host Robert Siegel shocked listeners during Monday's broadcast, speaking in an unusually loud voice. "Wow,"... more»
Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Brief

HIBBING, MN—After three years of heavy financial losses, the Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp finally filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Friday. The... more»
Suzanne Somers Named U.S. Thighmaster General

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Photos
Controversial New Ham Sandwich Under Fire

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Photos
New Co-Worker Seems Like Nice Enough Guy

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Photos
Clinton Vetoes 'Stab Clinton' Bill

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | News In Photos
The Federation Is Too Lenient About The Prime Directive

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Commentary

Assembled sentients, I greet you in the name of the peoples of Earth, and wish that you may live long and prosper! more»
Secrets To A Long Life

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Columnists

Recently, I was paid perhaps the highest compliment I have ever received when Time magazine named me "America's oldest living slab of... more»
Another Blues Brothers Movie? Somebody Pinch Me

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Columnists

Item! There's some hot news down at the rumor mill, and I want you to hear it first, my faithful Harveyheads. Remember this past January's... more»
Ask A Navy SEAL

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Advice

Lt. Ryan Cusper is a combat-decorated Navy SEAL and nationally syndicated advice columnist. His weekly column, Ask A Navy SEAL, appears in 250... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 2, 1997

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Horoscopes

You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers. more»
Road Rage

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Infographic

Driver aggression levels are at an all-time high on America's roads. Why are motorists so angry? more»
Smoking And The Movies

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | What Do You Think?

The Clinton Administration recently took Hollywood to task for the rise in on-screen portrayals of smoking. What do you think about cigarettes... more»
Anti-Bacterial Tips

issue 3205 | 09.02.97 | Tips

With new anti-bacterial products hitting the stores every day, millions of Americans are waging a war on germs. Here are some ways you can reduce... more»