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September 9, 1997 - September 15, 1997 | Issue 32•06

Magic Ponytail Moves On After Bestowing Boon Of Youth On Area 54-Year-Old

ANN ARBOR, MI—A magic ponytail departed the head of area mortgage-loan underwriter Art Kauske Friday, marking the end of a successful eight-month-long process of social and sexual rejuvenation for the 54-year-old. The mystical flying hair appendage's whereabouts are currently unknown, though it is widely believed that, like so many times in the past, it has gone off...

DEA Chief: Winners Occasionally Use Drugs

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprise announcement with wide-ranging implications for U.S. narcotics policy, Drug Enforcement Administration director Thomas... more»
Area Consumer Makes Last-Minute Soft-Drink Size Upgrade To Acquire Collectible Plastic Cup

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News

ERIE, PA—According to leading fast-food-industry analysts, area consumer Don Turnbee's soft-drink upgrade Monday from large to extra-large was... more»
Japanese Leaders Say Radioactive Waste May Have Contributed To Creation Of Giant Monsters

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News

TOKYO—Japanese prime minister Ryutaro Hashimoto announced Tuesday that radioactive waste recently discovered in Japan's Nihon prefecture may have... more»
Mother Teresa Sent To Hell In Wacky Afterlife Mix-Up

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News

CALCUTTA—In what is widely believed to be the result of clerical error on the part of Heaven's massive soul-evaluation and punishment-allocation... more»
Byzantine Empire Will Fall To Turks, Historian Warns

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News

ITHACA, NY—The Byzantine Empire, the Eastern continuation of the Roman Empire, is in grave danger and will soon fall to united armies of Ottoman... more»
Geopolitical Balance Of Power Somehow Unaffected By Death Of Princess

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Brief

LONDON—In a development that has baffled experts, the geopolitical balance of power has been strangely unaffected by the death of Princess Diana,... more»
Independent-Film Festival Crushed By Paramount Troops

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Six independent film producers and over 100 art-house patrons are dead following a hostile invasion of the 23rd annual Austin Film... more»
Area Gambler Likes Those Odds

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Brief

RENO, NV—Area gambler Steve Ehrlich, in an official statement to his lucky dice at a Caesar's Palace craps table Monday, announced that he "likes... more»
Amtrak Passengers Treated To Whirlwind Tour of Poor People's Yards

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Amtrak passengers traveling on the "Heartland Express" through Illinois were treated to a special sight Monday: mile after mile of yards... more»
Grecian Formula Falls Into Non-Grecian Hands

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Brief

SOLDOMAYA, GRECIA—In a daring midnight raid Tuesday, an unidentified band of foreign spies broke into a secret government hair-care lab and stole... more»
Turnout Lower Than Expected For Gala Central African Awards

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Photos
New Envelope Pushes Envelope Envelope

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Photos
Breast Implants Found To Cause Problems In Laboratory Mice

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Photos
Aerobics Enthusiast Believes In Crystal Light, Self

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | News In Photos
I Look Back On My Boxing Career With Greebert

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | Commentary

Back in the '70s, I was the best damn bantamweight in Philadelphia. No one would stand up and say anything different because they know they'd be the... more»
Cheese Doodles Give Me Gas

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | Commentary

I just had the new Wampler Longacre turkey franks, and I've got one thing to say: Those new franks are tremendous.... You look up "class" in the... more»
The Scourge Of Onanism, And Its Contribution To The Dementia Of Youth

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | Commentary

To-day's Sermon concerns the Youth of our Parish, who as I speak are committing Perverted Acts of the Veriest Onanism; that is, the Manipulation and... more»
Zweibel 'N' The Kids

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | Columnists

Yesterday, my great-great-great grand-niece burst into my bed-chamber with her two young brats in tow. "Uncle Zweibel," asked Ludmilla, "can you... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 9, 1997

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | Horoscopes

The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of... more»
Prime-Time God

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | Infographic

The success of CBS's Touched By An Angel has spawned a new wave of religious-themed prime-time. TV shows, including ABC's Soul Man and WB's 7th... more»
Anti-Paparazzi Legislation?

issue 3206 | 09.09.97 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of Princess Diana's death while speeding from photographers, many are calling for anti-stalking laws that protect celebrities from... more»