Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 23, 1997 - September 29, 1997 | Issue 32•08

Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam

AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex-for-security" scam in which she allegedly defrauded husband Russell Crandall out of nearly $230,000 in cash, food, clothing and housing over the past 19 years using periodic offers of sexual intercourse. "It's the biggest scam of its kind I've...

Doctors Say Reagan's Dementia Increasingly Hilarious

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News

YORBA LINDA, CA—Doctors in charge of providing ongoing medical care for Ronald Reagan announced Monday that the former president—whose mental and... more»
U.S. Fat Reserves Full

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep pace with the fat-storage needs of an increasingly prosperous, inactive and consumptive American populace, the... more»
Freshman Term Paper Discovers Something Totally New About Silas Marner

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News

STORRS, CT—A major contribution to the study of 19th-century literature was made Monday with the handing-in of "Silas Marner: Paper #1" by... more»
Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News

IRVING, TX—In what Exxon officials described as "an urgent wake-up call to the nation," scientists from the oil giant's paleontological-research... more»
Civilization Collapses

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Brief

EARTH—Several millennia of relative stability and order came to an end Tuesday as global civilization collapsed, plunging the planet into a chaotic... more»
Area Power Walker Looks Just Ridiculous

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Brief

SAUSALITO, CA—A report released Friday by Sausalito city officials revealed that area fitness enthusiast and power walker Linda Williams looks... more»
New Rap Song Samples 'Billie Jean' In Its Entirety, Adds Nothing

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Noted rapper/producer Sean "Puffy" Combs released his hotly anticipated new single Tuesday, "Tha Kidd (Is Not My Son)," which samples... more»
Clinton: 'Fuck This President Shit'

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton publicly distanced himself from the office of president and all duties therein at a press conference Monday. "Fuck... more»
New York Times Adds Color To Target Under-70 Demographic

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In an effort to reach the coveted under-70 demographic, The New York Times announced Monday it will add color to its traditional... more»
Up-And-Coming Local Band Signs Two-Cassette Deal

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Photos

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National Security Commission Warns Clinton: ‘The Call Is Coming From Inside The House’

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Photos
NASA To Send Earth Into Space

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Photos
Area Telemarketer Awash In Sea Of Human Misery

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | News In Photos
When Are They Going To Finish The Arthur Trilogy?

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Commentary

Where were you on July 17, 1981? more»
Who Will Shoe Your Pretty Little Foot?

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Commentary

O, who will shoe your pretty little foot, when I am gone away? Who will spread their cloak over mud puddles deep, so that you may safely tread? And... more»
My Play

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Columnists

During my years as a hard-bitten newspaper-man, I rarely had time for culture. But after a court order forced my retirement, at last I was free to... more»
Jim Anchower And Zoos Don't Mix

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Columnists

Hola, amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've been busier than a cop in a donut shop. First off, I... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 23, 1997

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Horoscopes

You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right. more»
Greenpeace In Decline

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Infographic

Its contributions and membership dwindling, Greenpeace recently laid off a number of its full-time workers. Why is the prominent environmental... more»
The Land Mine Debate

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | What Do You Think?

Representatives of nearly 100 nations gathered in Oslo last week to draft a treaty to ban land mines globally. The treaty was rejected by President... more»
Time-Management Tips

issue 3208 | 09.23.97 | Tips

In this era of faxing and multitasking, being able to effectively manage your time is essential. Here are some tips to help you maximize your work... more»