Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

September 30, 1997 - October 6, 1997 | Issue 32•09

DMV Reconsidering 'One For The Road' Driver Relaxation Campaign

SPRINGFIELD, IL—With the drunk-driving fatality rate nearly tripling in Illinois in the past year, the state's Department of Motor Vehicles announced Monday it will re-examine its controversial "One For The Road" driver-relaxation promotional campaign. "Driving a car can be an incredibly stressful experience," DMV spokesperson Dale Penn said. "That was the idea behind...

White House Closed For $30 Million Renovation Of Warren G. Harding Presidential Sex-Fantasy Pleasure Suite

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House was closed Monday to allow for a two-week, $30 million restoration and refurbishment of the 76-year-old Warren G.... more»
Newcomer Changes Small Town's Anti-Dancing Statute

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News

PIOUS FLATS, IN—Outsider Ren MacAlester convinced churchgoing authority figures to overturn their anti-dancing ordinance. more»
Local Man Might As Well Just Give Up

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News

DOVER, DE—Area resident Keith Ludauer, 32, a data-management technician and father of two known for his interest in sports trivia,... more»
Tennessee Legislature Divided Over Ford-Chevy Issue

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News

NASHVILLE, TN—The Tennessee state legislature will hold a historic, first-ever Sunday session this week to break a three-week Ford-Chevy deadlock,... more»
Area White Complains About Quality Of Shower Massage Heads

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing a host of inadequacies ranging from difficulty of installation to insufficient nozzle adjustability, area white Christopher... more»
Shannon Tweed Named Head Of U.S. Task Force On Nudity & Aging

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Former Playboy playmate and veteran erotic straight-to-video actress Shannon Tweed was chosen by President Clinton Monday to head... more»
Area Man Thanked For Playing

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Brief

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Area resident Jeff Neary was warmly thanked by the Coca-Cola Corporation Monday for his participation in their "Coca-Cola Red Hot... more»
Monster Undeterred By Night-Light

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Brief

MILTON, MA—A terrifying monster broke into a local boy's room Sunday night, brutally murdering and devouring the child despite the presence of a... more»
Transplanted New Yorker Disappointed With Local Bagel Scene

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—Greg Fox, a lifelong Brooklyn, NY, resident who recently moved to Portland, announced his great disappointment in the local bagel... more»
Thousands Dead In Indonesia Again

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Brief

JAKARTA, INDONESIA—Several days of relative calm in Indonesia came to an end Monday when a massive volcanic eruption buried most of Jakarta,... more»
FDA: Lucky Charms No Longer Part Of Complete Breakfast

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Photos
God Names Rightful Owner Of West Bank

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Photos
Billionaire CEO Donates Rat's Ass To World's Poor

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Photos
Garth Brooks Thinking About How A Pie Would Be Good Right About Now

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | News In Photos
There Is So Much Controversy These Days

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Commentary

Have you read about all the controversy? I can barely keep my head on straight, what with all the controversy in this country nowadays. I mean, how... more»
I Went To See The Movie That Was Called The Up & Down Movie

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Commentary

Ah, the movies. Nothing is better than to go see the movies in the theater at the Bijou and buy a tasty popcorn treat and a soda water and a box of... more»
It's Open Season On Whigs!

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Columnists

I understand that those God-damned Whigs are up in arms about the methods by which the Know-Nothings raise money for their campaign war-chest. Well,... more»
Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Advice

Eddie McCarthy is a nationally syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask That Hindenburg Announcer Guy, appears in more than 350... more»
Horoscope for the week of September 30, 1997

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Horoscopes

You will experience little this week, except for a mild feeling of paranoia and a niggling awareness of your own insignificance. Expect the next... more»
New York Rising

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Infographic

With crime down and tourism up, New York is enjoying its greatest renaissance in decades. What are some of the factors in the city's rejuvenation? more»
The Return Of Thalidomide

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | What Do You Think?

Thalidomide, banned for over three decades for causing birth defects in thousands of children whose mothers took it during pregnancy, has been... more»
Baby-Care Tips For First-Time Parents

issue 3209 | 09.30.97 | Tips

Becoming a parent for the first time can be a bewildering experience. Here are some tips to help you through those hectic first few months: more»