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October 7, 1997 - October 13, 1997 | Issue 32•10

Wacky Morning DJ Vows To Hunt Down Scum That Killed His Partner

OMAHA, NE—Wacky morning DJ Dave "The Davester" Fayhem, host of "Hot" 103.1 FM's "Fayhem In The A.M.," vowed to radio listeners throughout the greater Omaha metropolitan area Monday that he "will not rest" until he hunts down the scum that killed his partner, avenging his memory with vigilante wacky-morning-DJ justice. "I cannot give up this quest, no matter how far...

Nation Prepares For Very Special Television Event

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—With less than 72 hours to go before what many are calling the television event of October, if not the year, businesses, schools and... more»
Los Angeles To Siphon Water From Minorities' Bodies

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—After 12 years of political controversy, legal delays and statewide referendums, California legislative officials and Los Angeles... more»
Clinton Unveils New Prize Hopping-Toad

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—At a special press conference on the White House lawn Monday, President Clinton unveiled "The Colonel," a six-pound prize... more»
Christ Demands More Money

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News

JERUSALEM—Dissatisfied with dwindling receipts in recent years, redeemer of humanity Jesus Christ issued a rare public statement Monday, sharply... more»
Gene Wilder To Make Horrible, Horrible Movie

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actor Gene Wilder unveiled plans Monday to star in Wrong Way, a horrible, horrible new film. "My new film will be unbelievably bad,"... more»
Huge Lottery Jackpot Tempting All But The Most Rational

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Brief

MINNEAPOLIS—With the Minnesota Lottery's Oct. 25 "SuperBucks" jackpot fast approaching $140 million, all but the most rational Minnesotans are... more»
Deputy Attorney General's Wife Cracks Down On Pornography

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Brief

BETHESDA, MD—In a bedroom press conference Monday, Judith Rubino, wife of U.S. Deputy Attorney General Richard Rubino, announced a hard-line,... more»
Vocalist Leaves Journey Tribute Band Over Creative Differences

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Brief

HARRISBURG, PA—After six years as lead vocalist for the Harrisburg-area Journey tribute band Wheel In The Sky, Rick Balaban announced Monday that... more»
Congress Approves $40 Million To Fight Teens

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Taking a "zero tolerance" stance against the growing problem of young adulthood in the U.S., Congress approved legislation Monday... more»
Hair Salon Acquires Rare Nagel Print

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Photos
23-Year-Old Arrested For Failure to Own Halogen Lamp

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Photos
Wal-Mart Greeter At Death's Door

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Photos
NORAD Takes Area Vagina to FEMSTAT 3

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | News In Photos
Today's Young People Are Not Appropriately Terrified Of Sex

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | Commentary

What has become of the young people of today, that they no longer cower in mortal terror at the very mention of sex? Instead of trembling alone at... more»
It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | Commentary

The other day Judy the wife was yapping that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French... more»
Huzzah For The Glorious Pig-Skin!

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | Columnists

Recently the National Foot-Balling League, a fledgling commercial venture, approached me with the possibility of investing in one of their new... more»
Jocko's Headed For Hollywood!

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | Columnists

Item! Australian macho man and superstar television pitchman Jocko has been making the rounds looking for the appropriate vehicle for his... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 7, 1997

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | Horoscopes

You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to... more»
Bracing For El Niño

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | Infographic

El Niño, the violent storm pattern that returns every seven years, is set to wreak havoc on the U.S. this winter. How are people preparing? more»
Internal Revenue Disservice

issue 3210 | 10.07.97 | What Do You Think?

The IRS has come under fire recently for allegedly secretly encouraging its agents to target and harass those who make under $20,000. What do you... more»