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October 14, 1997 - October 20, 1997 | Issue 32•11

Hot Sexy Girls Waiting To Talk To Guys Just Like You

VAN NUYS, CA—According to an announcement broadcast on late-night cable television Saturday, hot sexy girls are, at this very moment, waiting to talk to guys just like you. The broadcast, sponsored by the Van Nuys-based telecommunications company Chat-Time Entertainment, urged all guys just like you to call these hot sexy girls without delay in order to minimize the...

Orange Julius Officials Ordered To Appear Before U.S. Food Court

issue 3211 | 10.14.97 | News

MINNEAPOLIS—A three-year federal inquiry suggests that Orange Julius may be funneling secret sauce to Manchu Wok. more»
Soaring U.S. Divorce Rate Blamed On Local 11-Year-Old

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services released a 275-page report Monday blaming the increasing failure rate of American... more»
ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, American Civil Liberties Union officials announced that the organization will go to court to defend a... more»
Suburban Parade Of Homes Marred By Rotting Ox On Lawn

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The Greater Schaumburg Realtors' Association's annual Parade Of Homes exhibition was marred Saturday by the presence of a rotting ox... more»
Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Brief

NEW HAVEN, CT—Flustered by the incessant insubordination and rowdy antics of a group of students, stodgy authority figure and boarding-school... more»
CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—At a special news conference Monday, CNN programming executives announced that the network’s popular Hollywood Minute segment will make... more»
Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Brief

TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday,... more»
Binge-Drinking. Promiscuous Sex Good For You, Says New Orleans Journal Of Medicine

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—According to a report published in the latest issue of the New Orleans Journal Of Medicine, a number of behaviors long believed... more»
Justice Department: 'Want To See A Dead Body?'

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Photos

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Hero Financial Officer Saves 12 Grand

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Photos
New 'Wondersplint' Makes Fractures Appear Larger; Fuller

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Photos
Brian Boitano Sobs Quietly In Dark

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | News In Photos
You're Going To Love My Balls

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | Commentary

I envy you, friend. You are a lucky, lucky person. Treasure this moment, because you are about to gaze upon my balls. And you are going to absolutely... more»
My Failed Suicide Attempts

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | Columnists

There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil. But after 132 years,... more»
My Flabby Tabbies Are So Spoiled!

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | Columnists

Late Friday night, I woke up to the sound of a loud crash coming from the kitchen. I sat bolt-upright in bed, and, for a split-second, I thought it... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 14, 2003

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | Horoscopes

You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces. more»
Life After Fen/Phen

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | Infographic

What are users of the drug Fen/Phen doing now that it has been banned by the FDA? more»
The Promise Keepers

issue 3211 | 10.14.03 | What Do You Think?

While some praise the Promise Keepers, who recently held a massive rally on the National Mall, for their call for Christian men to renew their... more»