Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 21, 1997 - October 27, 1997 | Issue 32•12

Lovable Cockney Charms Neighbors:

CLOTTS, VT—The residents of Clotts have been getting quite an education in foreign cultures since the recent arrival of immigrant Nigel Edney, a real live Cockney from London, England. And with a colorful accent and a nimble wit to match, this tenacious teabag is fast capturing the hearts of his new neighbors. "'Elp, 'elp, me 'ouse is on fire!" Edney told the...

'Midwest' Discovered Between East, West Coasts

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News

NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass... more»
Drug Use Down Among Uncool Kids

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Department of Health and Human Services, drug use is on the decline among uncool kids in... more»
Nike To Cease Manufacturing Products:

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News

BEAVERTON, OR—Citing artistic restlessness and a desire to "focus exclusively on what we do best," the Nike Corporation announced Monday it will... more»
Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News

NOME, AK—A Castrol supertanker ran aground Monday near Nome, AK, spilling more than 50 million gallons of high-grade Castrol motor oil into the... more»
Picture At Party Comes Out Great

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News

CHAMPAIGN, IL—A picture of Stacy, Kerri and Jill taken at Matt and Steve's recent back-to-school party came out great Tuesday, with some even... more»
Man Has Amazing Ass

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News

TASHEN, OH—Sculpted, tight, and slightly lofted, resident Lance Holdger's ass is naturally tan and completely hairless. more»
Area Panties In A Bunch

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Brief

CROSS PLAINS, GA—According to Cross Plains police, a pair of panties was discovered Monday wound up in a bunch and badly in need of loosening.... more»
Charlton Heston Gets Serious

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—After nearly 40 years of wacky, lighthearted comedic roles, actor Charlton Heston finally got serious Tuesday, accepting a part in a... more»
Congress Names Very Special Prosecutor

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In its most inspirational appointment in years, Congress named Michael Barnett, a 15-year-old Baltimore boy with Down Syndrome, Very... more»
Coroner's Report: John Denver Had Sunshine On Shoulders At Time Of Crash

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Brief

MONTEREY, CA—According to a Monterey County coroner’s report released Monday, singer John Denver had a shoulder-sunshine level of .27—more than... more»
Hero Firefighter: 'I'm A Hero'

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Brief

MIDLAND, TX—Local firefighter Brent Koonce, who rescued an infant trapped at the bottom of a 40-foot well Monday, is being roundly hailed by... more»
Couple Takes First Steps Toward Divorce

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Photos
Giant Altoid Heading Toward Earth

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Photos
Owls Are Assholes

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Photos
Vatican Unveils New Pope Signal

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | News In Photos
I'm The Toast Of Vaudeville

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | Commentary

Forget Milton Berle! Forget Fanny Brice! Forget the Ritz Brothers! They don't hold a candle to me, because I'm the Toast of Vaudeville! I've done it... more»
Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | Columnists

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball... more»
Point/Counterpoint: Point/Counterpoint: Reservoir Dogs Is The Best Movie Ever vs. Reservoir Dogs Is Fucking Awesome

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | Point-Counterpoint

Let me tell you this: Reservoir Dogs is the best movie ever! It's everything a good movie should be. You got great characters, awesome... more»
Horoscope for the week of October 21, 1997

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | Horoscopes

You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get... more»
Joining The Record Club

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | Infographic

Direct-mail CD and cassette clubs are a $4 billion per year industry. Why do so many consumers use these clubs to purchase music? more»
The Holistic Medicine Boom

issue 3212 | 10.21.97 | What Do You Think?

Led by such new-age gurus as Deepak Chopra and Andrew Weil, holistic medicine is more popular than ever. What do you think of alternative... more»