Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 29, 1997 - November 4, 1997 | Issue 32•13

Reading-Is-Fundamentalists Slaughter 52 Illiterates

ROCKVILLE, MD—Militant pro-literacy terrorists struck here Friday night, as a pipe bomb exploded at Rockville Adult Learning Annex, killing 52 illiterates and injuring dozens...

U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus Preferred Citizenship

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In an 86-14 vote, the Senate approved legislation Monday establishing PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship, an exciting new program... more»
Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's Memorial Hospital... more»
Maya Angelou Honored For Courage, Blackness

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

ATLANTA—Citing her outstanding contribution to the field of literature written by African Americans, many of the nation's top cultural luminaries... more»
New 'Phone Book' Raising Serious Privacy Issues

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—Alarmed by the "ever-shrinking security and rights of individuals in the information age," the Palo Alto-based group Citizens For... more»
Entertainment Weekly Wins Excellence-In-Caption-Pun Award

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The National Society of Journalists honored Entertainment Weekly Monday, giving the magazine its 1997 Excellence-In-Caption-Pun Award. The... more»
Villain Contends He, Hero 'Very Much Alike'

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

JUSTICE CITY—Two seemingly diametrically opposed figures were compared Monday as evil crimelord Cyrus Darkheart confided to longtime nemesis... more»
NYSE Admits: This Is All Make Believe

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the... more»
Innovative Fat Man Combines Waffles With Ice Cream

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The world culinary community is hailing the ingenuity of Atlanta-area fat man Gene Bando for his counterintuitive juxtaposition of Aunt... more»
Taco Bell Signs Former College Basketball Star To Record Two-Month, $5.15-An-Hour Contract

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Sports News

NEWARK, NJ—A downtown Taco Bell announced Monday the signing of Antwaine Hooks, the Most Valuable Player of University of Connecticut's 1995-96... more»
AT&T Builds Windowless Black Tower

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
New Device Converts Grass To Meat

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
Inside: The Fetish Photography Of German Chancellor Helmut Kohl

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
Area Christian Forgives You

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
This Lump Under My Arm Is Probably Nothing

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Commentary

Hey, how's it going? Everything okay? Hope so. Say, do you know any first aid? I don't really know what the problem is. Could be some sort of bug... more»
An Open Letter To A Starving Child

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Commentary

Dear Starving Child, I saw your picture in one of these "Feed The Children" magazine ads. It said your mother dumped you in a Sri Lankan back-alley... more»
I Am A Mummy

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Columnists

In 1968, anticipating my imminent demise and wishing to go to the grave looking sharp, I took the precaution of having myself mummified. My major... more»
Let Us Freak

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Columnists

Girl, please allow me to break it down for you. more»
Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Horoscopes

Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic... more»
America's Fascination With Buddhism

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Infographic

With two major movies, countless books and a growing number of celebrity converts in its corner, Buddhism is hot in America. Why are people... more»
Presidential Mental Disability

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of a report that Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's condition may have begun while he was still in office, many are calling for a... more»