Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 29, 1997 - November 4, 1997 | Issue 32•13

Taco Bell Signs Former College Basketball Star To Record Two-Month, $5.15-An-Hour Contract

NEWARK, NJ—A downtown Taco Bell announced Monday the signing of Antwaine Hooks, the Most Valuable Player of University of Connecticut's 1995-96 basketball team. The record-setting eight-week contract, worth an estimated $1,560, is the lowest ever signed by an...

U.S. Offers PlatinumPlus Preferred Citizenship

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In an 86-14 vote, the Senate approved legislation Monday establishing PlatinumPlus Preferred citizenship, an exciting new program... more»
Eight-Pound Man Removed From Woman's Vagina

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a bizarre case that has baffled medical professionals across the country, surgeons at Albuquerque's Veteran's Memorial Hospital... more»
Maya Angelou Honored For Courage, Blackness

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

ATLANTA—Citing her outstanding contribution to the field of literature written by African Americans, many of the nation's top cultural luminaries... more»
Reading-Is-Fundamentalists Slaughter 52 Illiterates

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News

ROCKVILLE, MD—Militant pro-literacy terrorists struck here Friday night, as a pipe bomb exploded at Rockville Adult Learning Annex, killing 52... more»
New 'Phone Book' Raising Serious Privacy Issues

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

PALO ALTO, CA—Alarmed by the "ever-shrinking security and rights of individuals in the information age," the Palo Alto-based group Citizens For... more»
Entertainment Weekly Wins Excellence-In-Caption-Pun Award

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The National Society of Journalists honored Entertainment Weekly Monday, giving the magazine its 1997 Excellence-In-Caption-Pun Award. The... more»
Villain Contends He, Hero 'Very Much Alike'

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

JUSTICE CITY—Two seemingly diametrically opposed figures were compared Monday as evil crimelord Cyrus Darkheart confided to longtime nemesis... more»
NYSE Admits: This Is All Make Believe

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the... more»
Innovative Fat Man Combines Waffles With Ice Cream

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The world culinary community is hailing the ingenuity of Atlanta-area fat man Gene Bando for his counterintuitive juxtaposition of Aunt... more»
AT&T Builds Windowless Black Tower

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
New Device Converts Grass To Meat

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
Inside: The Fetish Photography Of German Chancellor Helmut Kohl

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
Area Christian Forgives You

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | News In Photos
This Lump Under My Arm Is Probably Nothing

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Commentary

Hey, how's it going? Everything okay? Hope so. Say, do you know any first aid? I don't really know what the problem is. Could be some sort of bug... more»
An Open Letter To A Starving Child

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Commentary

Dear Starving Child, I saw your picture in one of these "Feed The Children" magazine ads. It said your mother dumped you in a Sri Lankan back-alley... more»
I Am A Mummy

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Columnists

In 1968, anticipating my imminent demise and wishing to go to the grave looking sharp, I took the precaution of having myself mummified. My major... more»
Let Us Freak

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Columnists

Girl, please allow me to break it down for you. more»
Horoscope for the week of October 29, 1997

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Horoscopes

Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic... more»
America's Fascination With Buddhism

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | Infographic

With two major movies, countless books and a growing number of celebrity converts in its corner, Buddhism is hot in America. Why are people... more»
Presidential Mental Disability

issue 3213 | 10.29.97 | What Do You Think?

In the wake of a report that Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's condition may have begun while he was still in office, many are calling for a... more»