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November 4, 1997 - November 10, 1997 | Issue 32•14

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Price-Gun-Wielding Maniac Riddles Supermarket With Savings

MIDDLETOWN, OH—Shock, dismay, and fabulous money-saving opportunities were just part of the aftermath of a tragic...

U.S. Dept. Of Retro Warns: 'We May Be Running Out Of Past'

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, U.S. Retro Secretary Anson Williams issued a strongly worded warning of an imminent "national retro... more»
Local Pre-Teen Violates Best Friend's Menstruation Non-Disclosure Agreement

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News

MASSAPEQUA, NY—Massapequa Junior High School became the center of heated controversy Monday, when sixth-grader Jodi Bevell, 12, was charged with... more»
Scientists Isolate Pepsi-Resistant Gene

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News

SOMERS, NY—At a press conference Tuesday, scientists working for the prestigious PepsiLab facility announced the historic, first-ever isolation of... more»
Exxon Donates $70 Million To Clean Up Portland Man's Life

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—In a move hailed by environmentalists as its first act of responsibility toward area resident Dan Fanshaw, Exxon Corp. announced that... more»
Chris Farley Has Hilarious Cardiac Arrest

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Obese comedian Chris Farley delighted dozens of onlookers Thursday, suffering an uproarious heart attack at a Manhattan restaurant. “He... more»
St. Vincent To World's Catholics: Stop Donating All This Crap To Me

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—Frustrated by the ever-mounting piles of used clothing, old magazines and rusting appliances accumulating in his name in thrift shops... more»
Rubenesque Woman Has Picassoesque Face

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Brief

HANOVER, NH—Meredith Pierce, 33, a Hanover-area elementary-school teacher, is attracting the attention of the art world with her Rubenesque figure... more»
Federal Government To Be Run By Cheaper Mexican Officials

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a cost-cutting move expected to save taxpayers $50 billion a year, it was announced Monday that U.S. federal officials will be... more»
Germany Disavows Ties With The Scorpions

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Photos
Ponds Institute Tops 1997 Cosmopolitan College Poll

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Photos
Brad Pitt Promises 1,000 Years Of Peace

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Photos
Magical Homeless Man Turns Spare Change Into Vomit

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | News In Photos
How We Made It Through The Great Recession

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Commentary

The year was 1987, a time I'll never forget. The country was in the grips of the Great Recession, the worst economic crisis my generation had ever... more»
Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Columnists

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, bruthahs 'n' sistahs. H-Dog here, His Stone Cold Baadness, The Original Gangsta, The Mack Daddy, The Freaky Gangbanga. And I got... more»
I'm No David Swimmer, But Then Again, Who Is?

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Columnists

Item! Nice-guy dreamboat and good "Friend" David Swimmer treated his gal pal to a romance the old-fashioned way... They went on a... more»
An Open Letter To Lillian Gish

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Columnists

From the Bed-chamber of T. Herman Zweibel. The Zweibel Estate. more»
Horoscope for the week of November 4, 1997

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Horoscopes

After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!” more»
Newspaper Readership Down

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Infographic
The Threat Of Cyberterrorism

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | What Do You Think?

With the business world becoming increasingly dependent on the Internet, there is concern that not enough is being done to guard against potentially... more»
Winterizing Tips

issue 3214 | 11.04.97 | Tips

The season of sledding and snowmen, winter can be lots of fun—if you prepare in advance. Here are some tips on getting ready for the cold: more»