Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 11, 1997 - November 17, 1997 | Issue 32•15

Methushael Begets Lamech

JERUSALEM—According to a report released Monday by Pentateuch officials, 930-year-old area resident Adam had two sons, Abel and Cain, and Cain begat Enoch, and Enoch begat Mehujal, and Mehujal begat Methushael, and Methushael begat Lamech. The 1,329-page repo...

Late-Working NASA Scientists Discover Moons Over My Hammy

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News

ARROYO, TX—The science world is reacting with lip-smacking satisfaction to this breakfast combo found at a local Denny's. more»
Fed Chief Announces Lowering Of Interest In Fed Chief's Wife

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After 12 years together, the mutual fun Alan Greenspan once had with his wife has greatly depreciated. more»
New '98 Homeless Seven Percent Louder

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—As part of the ongoing federal effort to improve America's homeless population, Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala... more»
Columbia Pictures To Release 'Digitally Re-Zeitgeisted' Big Chill

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In honor of the 15th anniversary of the release of The Big Chill, Columbia Pictures announced Monday plans to rerelease the... more»
Telemarketers May Not Actually Care How You Are Doing

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Late in the afternoon, the warm, cheery sound of a ringing telephone fills the home of San Diego housewife Sandy Morris. "How... more»
Southern Comfort Comforts Southerner

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Brief

SMYRNA, TN—A well-known brand of alcohol proved worthy of its name Sunday as a bottle of Southern Comfort comforted Southerner Melvin Shifflett,... more»
Six-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Brief

MILESBURG, PA—In a pre-bedtime announcement before family members Monday, area six-year-old Stephanie Ambrose unveiled plans to become a ballerina... more»
Area Gym Class Prepares For Mandatory Exposure Of Penises To Peers

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Brief

ROANOKE, VA—It was learned Monday that male students in Riverview Middle School’s fourth-period gym class are preparing, as they do before every... more»
North Korea Ranked Least-Entertained Nation On Earth

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Brief

UNITED NATIONS—A U.N. study released Tuesday revealed that North Korea is the least-entertained nation on earth. The notoriously isolated Communist... more»
Ergonomic Advisors Call For $30 Million In Federal Lumbar Support

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling America’s current ergonomic situation "terribly strenuous on the nation’s lower-back region," a panel of top ergonomic... more»
World Wrestling Federation, World Wildlife Fund Reach Acronym Sharing Agreement

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Photos
Home Homosexuality Test Now Available

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Photos
Rolling Stones: Is There Humor To Be Found In Their Age?

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Photos
Gore Releases Three More Hostages

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | News In Photos
Seize Him!

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | Columnists

Ah, yes. I see you have captured my elusive Earthling quarry at last. Well done, guard! You have greatly pleased your master. Bring him forward at... more»
The Basics Of Cruising

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | Columnists

Hola amigos. How's it hangin'? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but a lot of shit's been going down in Jim's part of town. See, I... more»
War And Remembrance

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | Columnists

To-day is Armistice Day, the day when we remember those who have fallen in battle defending our great Republic. I myself never served in the... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | Horoscopes

You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln. more»
Irish Dance Fever

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | Infographic

With Lord of the Dance and Riverdance playing to sold-out crowds across the U.S., Americans are going crazy for Irish dance. Why? more»
Chinese Human-Rights Abuses

issue 3215 | 11.11.97 | What Do You Think?

Sparked by Chinese Premier Jiang Zemin's recent visit to America, many are calling for the U.S. government to refuse trade with China until it... more»