Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 19, 1997 - November 25, 1997 | Issue 32•16

Local Lutheran Minister Loves To Fuck His Wife

NASHUA, NH—Pastor Bob Snowdon, of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in Nashua, is a man of deep religious and moral convictions. He derives great satisfaction from his various parish duties—reciting the liturgy, giving holy communion, and performing the sacrament of baptism. But nothing delights him quite like his favorite activity of all: fucking Emily Snowdon, his holy-wedded wife of 19 years. "The Holy Bible sanctifies the bond between a man and a woman in matrimony as a ...

National Guard Mobilized For University Of Mississippi Class Of '62 Reunion

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News

OXFORD, MS—With tensions mounting, President Clinton ordered over 2,500 Army and National Guard troops to Oxford Wednesday in anticipation of this... more»
Clinton Written Up By 'Total Bitch' Supervisor

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton once again became the focus of departmental scrutiny Monday when he was written up for the second time in less... more»
Orphanage Saved By Bikini Car Wash

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News

VAN NUYS, CA—The forces of morally upstanding civic involvement and partial nudity won out over corporate greed Saturday when a group of... more»
United Nations Condemns American Tourist Traps As Inhumane

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News

UNITED NATIONS—In a sternly worded resolution citing "a shameful violation of Americans' basic right to dignity while on vacation," the United... more»
Chuck Yeager Dies In Fiery Kitchen Mishap

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Brief

MOJAVE, CA—Chuck Yeager, the stoic, hard-living, daredevil Air Force test pilot whose never-say-die approach and fearless pushing of the limits of... more»
Glorious New Tomorrow Postponed Indefinitely

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Brief

EARTH—In a move many observers described as inevitable, representatives of nearly every major belief system on Earth announced Monday the... more»
Eating Enthusiast Acquires Chocolate Eclair

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Brief

DULUTH, MN—Longtime eater and admirer of fine edibles Douglas Hundt proudly added a Zuckerman’s Bakery chocolate eclair to his extensive pantry... more»
CNN Launches ‘CNN For The Shuttle Bus From The Airport To The Hotel’ News Channel

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—In its ongoing quest to provide the American business traveler with the most convenient access to up-to-the-minute news, sports, weather... more»
JFK Jr. Announces Plans To Run For Best-Dressed Man in '98

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Photos
Eddie Vedder Finally Goes Away

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Photos
New NBA Starter Jackets To Come With Unwanted Pregnancies

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Photos
The Arts: What Were They?

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | News In Photos
Depends Ain't So Damn Dependable

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | Commentary

Lately, I've been getting pretty tired of having to change my pants constantly. It's no fun having to go put on a pair of fresh trousers every time a... more»
Today's Kids Have No Valor

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | Commentary

I am Higelac of the Healfdanes, and I have spoken. The youth of today have no valor. No courage of kings. T-shirts? Blue jeans? When I was a young... more»
My Autobiography, Now In Stereo-scope

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | Columnists

Now that my long-awaited autobiography, God-damn The Lot Of You!, has become the publishing triumph of the season, I am proud to announce that... more»
Maybe Baby?

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | Columnists

What a crazy month and a half this has been! First, my brother Kevin and his family dropped by for a surprise visit. They were driving up from... more»
Horoscope for the week of November 19, 1997

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | Horoscopes

Be careful that your careless words do not break a certain person’s heart this week. Instead, break it with a well-placed axe-handle blow. more»
The World Music Phenomenon

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | Infographic

International, or "world music," has exploded in poularity in recent years, attracting a sizable mainstream audience. Whay are people turning to it? more»
Standardized Testing Bias

issue 3216 | 11.19.97 | What Do You Think?

Debate is raging over the SAT and other standardized college tests, which many contend are biased against minorities and the poor. What do you... more»