Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 3, 1997 - December 9, 1997 | Issue 32•17

Newly Promoted Marketing Executive Treats Self To Girlfriend Upgrade

LOS ANGELES—Ever since he was hired by Kaiser, Seifert & Briggs Marketing Group two years ago, Sean Gordimer has been striving to impress the company's top brass. A 1995 graduate of the University of Southern California with a B.A. in business administration, the 23-year-old Gordimer has put in 60-hour weeks and attended every marketing seminar possible in an effort to get noticed and land that big...

New York To Install Special 'Infants Only' Dumpsters

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News

NEW YORK—The new, clearly labeled dumpsters will make it easier for city workers to collect and sort discarded babies. more»
British Government Releases Scandalous Benny Hill Tapes

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News

LONDON—The saucy-wordplay-laden tapes, banned in 1982 for being "too cheeky," will be declassified and released to the public. more»
Clinton: 'Every Man For Himself'

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—At a special emergency press conference Monday, President Clinton announced that "it is now every man for himself." more»
FBI Wiretap Uncovers Massive Seventh-Grade 'Crush Ring'

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Bureau of Investigation released a 400-page report Monday offering detailed evidence of a massive seventh-grade crush... more»
CBS Picks Up NBC Nightly News

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster its flagging ratings, CBS announced Monday that it has picked up the longrunning NBC program NBC Nightly News.... more»
Man With Hammer-Induced Thumb Injury Appeals To Christ Almighty

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Brief

MANHATTAN, KS—In his third hammer-induced communion with the Son of God in as many days, local resident Bart Peintner made a vociferous appeal to... more»
Enormous Grace Slick Threatens California Coastline

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Brief

SACRAMENTO, CA—In an emergency measure Monday, California Gov. Pete Wilson ordered two dozen Northern California coastal communities evacuated... more»
Former President Carter Sole Attendee At 1997 Solar Power Summit

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Brief

ATLANTA—The 1997 Solar Power Summit got off to an auspicious start Saturday, with a star-studded celebrity panel featuring such luminary as former... more»
Jogging-Suit Shortage Threatens Nation's Seniors

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Photos
Nature Films: Do They Glamorize Molting?

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Photos
Lindsay Wagner To Star In Anything Offered Her

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Photos
Local Man Hates Self, Family, Others

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | News In Photos
They Should Do A Sitcom About Our Crazy Office

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Commentary

Have you noticed there are a lot of TV shows set in crazy offices nowadays? Well, I was watching one of them the other night—I think it was the one... more»
What Foolhardy Mortal Thinks He Can Shelve Faster Than I?

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Commentary

I am hounded by vassals and impudent whelps who labor under the false belief that it is they who are the best stocking boys in the land. Fools! Their... more»
This Column Is A 'Re-run'

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Columnists

Doc McGillicuddy ordered me not to write my column this week because I am just getting over a bout of the pleurisy, and I need my bed-rest.... more»
I'm Mad About Mad About You!

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Columnists

Item! By now, the whole nation knows that televisionland's favorite couple, Paul and Jamie Buchman of Mad About You, has finally had... more»
Ask A Bee

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Advice

Worker Bee #7438-F87904 is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Bee, is featured in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of December 3, 1997

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Horoscopes

There's only one place to turn for the kind of quality horoscopes you've come to depend on: Aries—A Sign Of Your Times™. more»
Cool Britannia

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | Infographic

British prime minister Tony Blair recently said he wants to give tradition-bound England a hipper, more modern image. Among the proposed changes: more»
Concern Over Tainted Beef

issue 3217 | 12.03.97 | What Do You Think?

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you... more»