Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 9, 1997 - December 15, 1997 | Issue 32•18

Letter D Pulls Sponsorship From Sesame Street

NEW YORK—A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show's cast. "The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes...

More States Shifting Welfare Control to McDonald's

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News

CHICAGO—For the past four years, the first of the month meant one thing to Chicago single mother LaTonya Mitchell: It was the day she could cash... more»
Doctors Closing In On 'Second Head-Bonk' Amnesia Cure

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News

ROCHESTER, NY—Researchers say that this revolutionary, nutty treatment could restore memories of loved ones. more»
Supreme Court Overturns Car

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court overturned a 1978 Ford Pinto Sunday, ending the car's "wheels on the ground" position. more»
Nation Horrified By Freakish Multiple Birth

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News

KEARNEY, NE—In these oft-troubled times, it sometimes seems like all America needs is a little hope—some miraculous, life-affirming tale of... more»
Rick Moranis To Star In Straight-To-Video Release Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Disney Pictures announced Monday that it has signed Rick Moranis to star in Honey, I Shrunk Some More Shit, the 27th production in... more»
Enormous Man Spends Another Day Indoors

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Brief

DECATUR, IL—Area large man Lawrence Schickle reinforced his sedentary lifestyle Sunday with the decision to remain in bed all day. "I shall not... more»
North Dakota Not Heard From In 48 Hours

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Brief

MIDWEST—Neighboring states are growing increasingly worried about North Dakota after not hearing from the state for 48 hours. "North Dakota tends... more»
Longtime Employee Given Small Pewter Object

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Brief

ROANOKE, VA—Thomas Campa, a retiring 40-year employee of Wadman & Long Distributing, was presented with a small pewter object Tuesday in... more»
Clinton Forced To Kneel Before Zod

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In a formal Oval Office ceremony Monday, President Clinton was stripped of his authority as leader of the free world, forced to... more»
Los Angeles Now 70 Percent Overpasses

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Photos
Inside: America's Love Affair With Neurotic Jewry

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Photos
Martini, Rossi Slain By Anti-Spumanti Extremists

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Photos
Business-Owned Women Outnumber Women-Owned Businesses

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | News In Photos
I Gotta Learn To Watch My Mouth

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | Columnists

Hola amigos. What up? Me, I've been better. You see, my damn engine busted on my car, so I had to unload it. There was no way I was gonna dump $2,000... more»
Uncle Sam Is A Bastard

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | Columnists

Yes, I know Uncle Sam, know him very well. He's a god-damn rat bastard scoundrel, and if I ever lay eyes on him again I'll stab him in the throat. It... more»
Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | Advice

Sir Mix-A-Lot is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask Sir Mix-A-Lot, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide. more»
Horoscope for the week of December 9, 1997

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | Horoscopes

You will be chosen by a zoological video-dating service to sire a highly advanced race of intelligent super-apes. more»
The Carry-On Crunch

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | Infographic

With record numbers of Americans using air travel, some major airlines are cracking down on the excess carry-on items, limiting passengers to one or... more»
Rock Concert Ratings

issue 3218 | 12.09.97 | What Do You Think?

Rock group Marilyn Manson's current tour—which includes explicit depictions of violent and sexual acts—has met with protests from decency groups,... more»