Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 16, 1997 - December 22, 1997 | Issue 32•19

Books Don't Take You Anywhere

WASHINGTON, DC—A study released Monday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that, contrary to the longtime claims of librarians and teachers, books do not take you anywhere. "For years, countless educators have asserted that books give readers a chance to journey to exotic, far-off lands and meet strange, exciting new people," Education Secretary Richard Riley...

The ONION's 1997 Man of The Year

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News

Each year, The Onion's esteemed Board of Directors faces the daunting task of singling out one individual who most embodies the spirit of the... more»
African Child Dies Despite Merlin Olsen Endorsement

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News

AKOBO, SUDAN—Despite a high-profile media endorsement featuring touching piano music, soft-focus photography, and the star power of former NFL... more»
Congress Approves $540 Million For Evil

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a measure strongly supported by Republicans and Democrats alike, Congress passed legislation Monday budgeting an additional $540... more»
Travolta Hospitalized With Critically Low E-Meter Reading

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News

LOS ANGELES—Actor John Travolta was rushed to UCLA Medical Center Monday with a near-fatal tone-scale reading of 0.5, or "grief." more»
Out-Of-Control Holiday Revelers Deck Shit Out Of Area Halls

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News

AMES, IA—Holiday celebrations took an extreme turn Saturday as an unruly mob of out-of-control holiday revelers observed the shit out of the... more»
Porn Director Fights Ratings Board For Single-X Rating

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Director Larry Thomas' refusal to cut a key felching scene has resulted in a XXX rating by the MPAA. more»
FBI Chief Releases Composite Sketch Of Dream House

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—At a press conference Monday, FBI director Louis Freeh released an artist’s rendering Monday of the home he has dreamed of all... more»
134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—Area dock worker Bert Greer celebrated his birthday with a quiet party at his home Sunday, surrounded by family. Asked the secret to... more»
Tractor Pulls Now Number-One Use For U.S. Tractors

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a survey released Friday by the Department of Agriculture, after more than 150 years on top, farming is no longer the... more»
Santa Claus Killed In Electric-Razor Crash

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Brief

STAMFORD, CT—Noted philanthropic elf Santa Claus was killed Monday in an electric-razor crash during a practice run for his annual global gift... more»
PBS To Air More Of That Yanni Shit

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Reaffirming its commitment to the Greek-mustachioed-New-Age-synthesizer arts, PBS announced Monday that it will continue to air loads of... more»
Cat Stevens Declares Jihad On James Taylor

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Photos

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Environmentalists Speak Out Against Excessive Cheese Logging

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Photos
Ford Unveils New Sport-Futility Vehicle

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Photos
Gore Mauled By Aquatic Mammal

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | News In Photos
The Pagan Deviltry Of The Christ's Mass Holiday And How We Must Resist Its Temptation

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | Commentary

The Winter Solstice has not yet fallen upon us, yet the Parish is already cover'd in a dense Blanket of Snow; the Boys of our Town Ship, I am sorry... more»
My Year-End Bowel Movement Round-Up

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | Columnists

Another year has come and gone. And what an eventful year it was! Among my many accomplishments: I published my long-awaited autobiography;... more»
Horoscope for the week of December 16, 1997

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | Horoscopes

Your joy in the holidays is dampened when you learn that there is no Santa, there is no Jesus, and the local weatherwoman likes to be videotaped... more»
Hot Holiday Toys

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | Infographic

What are 1997's top-selling toys? more»
The Sprewell Suspension

issue 3219 | 12.16.97 | What Do You Think?

Latrell Sprewell of the NBA's Golden State Warriors was recently suspended for one year after choking verbally abusive coach P.J. Carlesimo during a... more»