Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 21, 1998 - January 27, 1998 | Issue 33•02

Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

BALTIMORE—After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, Johns Hopkins University absent-minded professor Humbert E. Huggins announced Monday that a 100 percent effective cure for cancer exists and is somewhere in his home, "probably in that big pile of papers by the back door or in the one in the hall closet." The cure, which involves "smart enzymes" that...

Raped Environment Led Polluters On, Defense Attorneys Argue

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News

OLYMPIA, WA— The rape of 30,000 acres of forest was allegedly precipitated by the plaintiff’s "flagrant flaunting of its abundant natural... more»
Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig... more»
Radical Socialist Movement Ends After Three Semesters

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News

ANN ARBOR, MI—Spokespersons for the Global Socialist League, an Ann Arbor-based radical socialist organization, announced Tuesday that the group is... more»
HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260... more»
Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved... more»
Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Brief

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday.... more»
Local Couple Needs To Talk

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Brief

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the... more»
MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by... more»
Ant Born

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Brief

ENID, OK—Formicidae Polyergus Queen FPS-4003651-D407 is gorged on nutrient paste and resting comfortably following Monday’s successful delivery... more»
U.S. Soldiers To Be Equipped With Powerful Mandibles

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Photos
23-Hour Suicide Watch A Failure

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Photos
Fran Drescher Cinched Up Another Notch

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Photos
Inside: America Rates The Skin Colors

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | News In Photos
I Wish To Go To Heaven

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | Commentary

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo! more»
I Pray For The Comfort Of America's Business Travelers

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | Commentary

Lately, I've been unable to relax at home. I put on my robe and slippers, sit in my overstuffed chair, turn my TV to one of its 144 channels, and a... more»
1997 Was A Time Of Loss

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | Columnists

What a sad, sad time the past few months have been for the entertainment industry. How can we even begin to enumerate our losses? Here's a start: more»
Horoscope for the week of January 21, 1998

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | Horoscopes

A gypsy seer will reveal to you that your great lack of the sensitivity, uncharacteristic of those born under this sign, stems from the fact that you... more»
Fleetwood Mac Is Back

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | Infographic

After nearly 15 years out of the spotlight, Fleetwood Mac is suddenly everywhere these days. Why the resurgence in popularity? more»
The Insanity Defense

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the judge in the Unabomber trial ordered defendant Ted Kaczynski to undergo tests to assess his mental condition, sparking debate about... more»
Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

issue 3302 | 01.21.98 | Tips

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months: more»