Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 28, 1998 - February 3, 1998 | Issue 33•03

Burger King Fire Kills Seven Overweight Teenage Mothers:

ATLANTA—Flames tore through an Atlanta-area Burger King Tuesday, killing seven overweight teenage mothers and leaving the restaurant's manager with an equal number of positions to fill before tomorrow's noon lunch rush. "We've got all shifts available," manager Stephen Rollo said. "Day, night, weekends, you name it." Rollo said the employees/young mothers who...

U.S. Unenjoyment Rate At All-Time High

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Despite America's high standard of living, nearly limitless personal convenience, and undisputed status as the most entertained... more»
UPN Lauded By Center For Quantity Programming

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News

LOS ANGELES—UPN was honored for its tremendous contribution to the number of TV programs on the air. more»
Area Man's Ex-Girlfriend Glad She Bumped Into Him

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News

ST. PAUL, MN—In a chance meeting at a St. Paul grocery store Monday, area resident Erica DeGrath, 23, announced to ex-boyfriend Kevin Hollander,... more»
IOC Clears Pros To Wrestle In 2000 Olympics:

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—International Olympic Committee president Juan Antonio Samaranch announced Monday that, for the first time ever,... more»
Joel Siegel Preemptively Raves About Blues Brothers 2000:

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News

NEW YORK—Film critic Joel Siegel said he is confident he'll be knocked out by 90 minutes of wall-to-wall, non-stop laughs. more»
Pepsi Super Bowl Ad Raises Worldwide Pepsi-Awareness .00000000001 Percent

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Brief

SOMERS, NY—A 60-second, $2.6 million ad that aired during Sunday’s Super Bowl telecast has raised awareness of Pepsi .00000000001 percent, Pepsi... more»
1994 Video-Store Receipt Reveals Clinton Rented Night Eyes 2, 3

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton is strongly denying special prosecutor Kenneth Starr’s claim that he has a receipt proving that on July 11,... more»
Oh, Area Man’s Aching Back

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Brief

JERSEY CITY, NJ—According to a report issued Wednesday by 51-year-old Jersey City resident Phil Lardner, Jesus Christ Almighty, his back feels like... more»
Robots Speak Out Against Asimov’s First Law Of Robotics

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—More than 200,000 robots from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday, demanding that Congress repeal Asimov’s First Law of... more»
Uneducated NBA Star Urges Kids To Stay In School

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Photos
Earth Safe, But For How Long?

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Photos
Judge Declares Aerobics Instructor Too Fit To Stand Trial

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Photos
Robin Williams Body-Hair-Mowing Project Enters Third Week

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | News In Photos
Yesterday's Hagar The Horrible Hit A Little Too Close To Home

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | Commentary

First, let me say that not a day goes by when I don't read Hagar The Horrible. The legendary Dik Browne's strip may be set in a mysterious... more»
I Have A Rival In The Aging Business

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | Columnists

Recently it was brought to my attention that the 121-year-old French-woman finally went to her reward. Good! If there's anything I cannot stand, it's... more»
A New Year, A New Jean

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | Columnists

This is soooo exciting—my first column of 1998! Actually, I'm kind of dreading 1998, because it's the year I finally turn the big 4-0! Can you... more»
Horoscope for the week of January 28, 1998

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | Horoscopes

After years of wayward, sinful living, you will finally see the light this week and ask Christ to enter your life. Unfortunately, He is busy and... more»
Figure Skating Fever

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | Infographic

Figure skating is reaching new heights of poipularity in the U.S., drawing huge ratings for increasingly frequent TV specials. Why are so many... more»
The Iraq Standoff

issue 3303 | 01.28.98 | What Do You Think?

Saddam Hussein continues to defy the terms of Iraq's Gulf War surrender, refusing to let U.N. weapons inspectors into his nation unless economic... more»