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February 3, 1998 - February 9, 1998 | Issue 33•04

Racist Figurines March On Washington

WASHINGTON, DC—Calling themselves "insulting caricatures born of bigotry" and "demeaning portrayals bearing no resemblance to actual human beings or cultures," an estimated 400,000 so-called jigaboos, pickaninnies and darky po' boys representing racist statuary from across the U.S. marched on Washington Monday. Decrying their own existence, the figurines demanded that...

Clinton Denies Lewinsky Allegations:

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—With sexual-misconduct allegations continuing to envelop his presidency, President Clinton held a press conference Monday to... more»
64 Percent Of U.S. Population Now Working For Manpower

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 64 percent of the nation's work force is currently... more»
'85 Chicago Bears Return To Studio:

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News

CHICAGO—The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew will soon begin work on their long-awaited follow-up single. more»
Saddam Hussein Harnesses Cuteness Of Babies For Powerful New Weapon

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News

BAGHDAD—The new weapon collects “adorability rays” and converts them into the highly unstable isotope Cutium-109. more»
Family-Style Restaurant Offers Accusations, Belittlement With Entree Selections

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News

GARDEN CITY, NY—With its colorful striped awning, kids' jungle gym in the parking lot, and all-American fare, Ernie's Family Restaurant resembles... more»
Zapp Institute Adjusts Bounce/Ounce Ratio

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Alarmed by the sharp decline in overall U.S. rump-shaking levels in the past 12 months, Zapp Institute director Dr. Roger Troutman... more»
Psychic-Phone-Line Customer Used To Be Closed-Minded Just Like Her Friends

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Brief

DETROIT—Detroit-area receptionist Nadine Jackson announced Monday that, after years of being closed-minded like her friends, she has finally come... more»
Last Remaining Novelist Dies In Captivity

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Brief

COLUMBUS, OH—Cultural zoologists are mourning the extinction of a species following Monday’s passing of novelist John Updike. The last living... more»
Abortion Issue ‘Most Critical Of Our Time,’ Say Tobacco-Industry Executives

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Brief

WINSTON-SALEM, NC—At its quarterly meeting Wednesday, the National Association of Tobacco Growers declared abortion "the most critical issue of our... more»
Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Brief

BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo... more»
Supermodel's True Beauty Comes From Outside

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Photos
George Clinton, Della Reese Meet to Discuss Key Hairstyle Issues

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Photos
Soulless Man Has Cordless Phone

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Photos
Stretch Of Highway Learns It Was Adopted

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | News In Photos
I Just Love Corporations!

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | Commentary

Do you know what I love? Corporations! Some of my favorites are Raytheon, Unisys, Morton Thiokol, AlliedSignal, US West and Ingersoll-Rand. Have you... more»
My Seed Is Pure

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | Commentary

For eight years I have been the leading supplier of hybrid seed corn in Winneshiek County, and the reason is clear: My seed is pure! more»
Oh, The Humiliation!

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | Columnists

Not long ago, I reported that Mr. Tin, that mechanical ro-bot man employed to be my nurse, ran away from my estate with my iron-lung, with whom it... more»
Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | Advice

Sgt. Frank Stempke is a gut-shot policeman whose weekly advice column, Ask A Gut-Shot Policeman, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.... more»
Horoscope for the week of February 3, 1998

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | Horoscopes

You will finally reach an agreement with Satan and receive a four-piece chicken dinner with two sides in exchange for your immortal soul. more»
Rogaining Poularity

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | Infographic

Why are so many balding men turning to Rogaine? more»
Oprah Vs. The Beef Industry

issue 3304 | 02.03.98 | What Do You Think?

Oprah Winfrey is being sued in Texas court by beef-industry representatives, who claim that remarks she made on a show about mad-cow disease were... more»